We're two weeks into the NFL season, so just as you would expect, there has been a slew of expected plot developments. The Saints forgot the football season starts in September. Hiring Jon Gruden may have not been the best use of $100 million. The Rams have established themselves as Super Bowl favorites. The Giants don't have an offensive line. The Eagles completed a pass to their quarterback. The Browns haven't won a game.
For those of you paying attention, only one team has managed to stake a claim in both camps. The Cleveland Browns, riding a wave of enthusiasm fueled by Hard Knocks hype, Baker Mayfield's presence, and regression to the mean, have come firing out of the gate to amass a 0-1-1 record against two Super Bowl contenders. Had you offered me that this time last month, I would've had Devon Cajuste's face tattooed on my leg to seal the deal (RIP...). Watching this team the last two weeks, though, I'm convinced there is a higher power puppeteering their misery.
The Cleveland Browns should be 2-0 right now. That is not a hot take. That is not an exaggerated moral win/loss record. That is a factual statement. In week one, the Browns finished the game with a +5 turnover margin. The Browns were basically the stereotypical kid benefiting from two Christmases with recently divorced parents getting gift after gift after gift. They somehow could only manage a tie. Since the Browns returned to the NFL, teams with a turnover margin of +5 or better in a game are 132-4-1. The Browns are responsible for two of those losses and the tie (Stat courtesy of Bill Barnwell). Another variable at play was a blocked field goal in the final seconds of overtime, but we'll get to Zane Gonzalez in due time.
In week two the Browns traveled to New Orleans to face a team coming off a game where they scored 40 points and lost. Hue Jackson, in perhaps the finest moment of his coaching career, actually... developed and executed a game plan? Cleveland rode the play of their defense, held the ball for long stretches at a time keeping Drew Brees on the sideline, and took a 12-3 lead in the second half.
Their lead was only 12-3 because Zane Gonzales missed the extra point following Carlos Hyde's touchdown. Considering this was probably the best drive by the Browns in three years given the circumstances, the miss stung but it was excusable. A few minutes later, Zane Gonzales would proceed to miss a field goal during a bout of bad weather in the Superdome. Tyrod Taylor, the most elite game manager in the NFL, would follow that up by channeling former teammate Nathan Peterman and threw a terrible interception deep in his own territory. The Saints took the lead, and the Browns snatched defeat from the jaws of victory once again.
But wait! Tyrod Taylor bounced back and connected on a fourth down Hail Mary with a dynamic receiver who may have finally put his off the field issues in the rear view mirror (Not the one you're thinking of... Josh Gordon became a New England Patriot as I was writing this, too, for the record). The game was tied at 18, pending the extra point. It remained tied because Zane Gonzales missed another extra point due to the Superdome's brisk winds. Drew Brees responded with a stellar drive ending in New Orleans taking a three point lead, and the Browns snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.
But wait! Tyrod Taylor impersonated Drew Brees and led the Browns down the field in only twenty seconds to set up a game tying field goal. Would there be redemption? Of course not. Zane Gonzales shanked this kick wide right probably because he was forced to kick off of dirt since New Orleans plays in an archaic baseball stadium. Final score: Saints-21 Browns-18
Zane Gonzales won the Lou Groza Award, annually given to college football's best kicker, in 2016. College kickers are so notoriously terrible even the Alabama Football Factory™ hasn't managed to work out all the kinks. I'm not sure even the worst of college kickers would have been able to replicate Gonzales' Sunday afternoon considering he was kicking indoors. I could make a stereotypical Arizona State grad is hungover after a night on Bourbon Street joke or I could make a stereotypical his reported groin injury was inflicted with assistance from a voodoo doll joke. You can choose your own adventure because it's unexplainable how a decorated college football star fell short of expectations in the NFL...
Statistical improbabilities and player incompetence aren't new concepts in Cleveland. Their culture revolutionizes the art of losing. This year's versions just seem exceptionally cruel simply because there are hints of talent scattered down the depth chart. Combined with over 600 days since the Browns won a football game these two blown opportunities make it seem like there is no getting out of this abyss. Let's reiterate that point. Next week will mark 22 months since the Browns tasted victory. It's not hard to envision a dystopian future where the Bud Light coolers spread across the city are never opened.
Curses need to be tested from time to time in order to prove their staying power. The Browns get a prime opportunity to see if they are truly capable of winning a football game this week against the New York Jets. The game is at home. The Jets are playing their third game in eleven days. Sam Darnold is a mistake prone rookie quarterback playing against the defense leading the NFL in takeaways. The Browns are wearing their color rush uniforms for the first time (Yes, I agree it's ironic that it took Cleveland two years longer than the rest of the NFL to embrace even a jersey trend). Zane Gonzales is no longer on the team. Vegas even has the Browns as a favorite
Thursday night games have a tendency to provide bizarre results and an ugly brand of football. Throwing the Browns and Jets into the equation can seemingly only ramp up the degree of absurdity. It seems the only fitting way for this streak to end is the entire city of Cleveland being hungover on Friday morning off of free Bud Light.
J. Nave
Curses need to be tested from time to time in order to prove their staying power. The Browns get a prime opportunity to see if they are truly capable of winning a football game this week against the New York Jets. The game is at home. The Jets are playing their third game in eleven days. Sam Darnold is a mistake prone rookie quarterback playing against the defense leading the NFL in takeaways. The Browns are wearing their color rush uniforms for the first time (Yes, I agree it's ironic that it took Cleveland two years longer than the rest of the NFL to embrace even a jersey trend). Zane Gonzales is no longer on the team. Vegas even has the Browns as a favorite
Thursday night games have a tendency to provide bizarre results and an ugly brand of football. Throwing the Browns and Jets into the equation can seemingly only ramp up the degree of absurdity. It seems the only fitting way for this streak to end is the entire city of Cleveland being hungover on Friday morning off of free Bud Light.
J. Nave
Photo from cleveland.com
