Fantasy

 

Don't Make Joe Burrow Go Back to Ohi-eaux

Last summer a Spongebob watching, Matthew Dellavedova loving, perfectly mediocre quarterback embarked on a campaign with a simple message: LSU was finally going to have an offense. They were going to score 40, 50, sometimes 60 points when they took the field. They were going to unleash this offense on the mighty SEC thanks to a mysterious coach that learned under Sean Payton.

Everybody essentially treated Joey Burrow like he was doing his best Pinhead Larry impression.

It took about three months for us to realize we should have listened to the man. 

The cigar smoking, cocky hat wearing, newly crowned King of the Bayou deservedly took some time to revel in the Superdome on Monday night after dispatching Clemson. You can do that after throwing 60 touchdown passes, winning the Heisman, and authoring one of the most dominant seasons in college football history. You can do that when you take yourself from a fringe NFL Draft prospect to the consensus first overall pick. Joe Burrow can do whatever the hell he wants in Louisiana for the rest of his life. This image from the locker room should be the groundwork for his statue in Baton Rouge.

Large swaths of football fans probably believe in destiny thanks to the circumstances that brought Ed Orgeron, then Joe Burrow, and finally Joe Brady to Baton Rouge this fall. I, and many others, became Tiger fans because the story became more and more impossible to root against. After their unbelievable season, Joe Brady is heading back to the NFC South to be the NFL's youngest offensive coordinator and Joe Burrow seems all but guaranteed to become a Cincinnati Bengal. 

Here's the thing, though. We can't let that happen.

Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for one of the worst owners in professional sports who will 100% not sign him to a second deal if he plays well on his rookie contract because he's notoriously cheap. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in what is regularly the least attended football stadium in the NFL (The Chargers playing in a soccer stadium don't count). Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for a team that injured its best player in embarrassing fashion in 2019. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in a city where he doesn't enjoy its staple food. I deserve better than having to watch the six coaches that the Cleveland Browns will have in the 2020s try to figure out Lamar Jackson and Joe Burrow four times every fall. 

There are nearly 100 days until the NFL Draft which gives us time to find a way to see that the surefire number one pick is either taken by some team other than the Bengals or precipitously falls in the draft.

I'm choosing to ignore the message of The Witcher. We're going to fight destiny as hard and as creatively as possible, consequences be damned. 

Here are a few options:

1) A complete and thorough character assassination of Joe Burrow: I thought it would take until at least February for this to be on the table. After all this man raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for his impoverished hometown. But as I wrote this, Steve Young went on the air to say Joe Burrow smoking a cigar and admitting he was hungover the day after the National Championship is worrisome. I predict next that a former general manager will say Joe Burrow's dream of winning a national championship, rather than dreaming of being a NFL quarterback, should be a red flag for teams before Valentine's Day. Accusations of being a system quarterback are a guarantee to come from a career backup quarterback on ESPN before the combine. I think this might be our best bet. 

2) Tua Tagovailoa gets healthy ahead of schedule: Back when Joe Burrow was going around making those ridiculous claims about LSU's offense, the Miami Dolphins were getting ready to embark on their season with a singular goal: Tank for Tua. Alabama's quarterback suffered an ankle injury in October and a devastating hip injury in November which put his draft status in limbo (Meanwhile, the Miami Dolphins went full Fitzpatrick and won five games because that's what happens when you go full Fitzpatrick. They now seem to be in a great position to still draft Tua). All signs point to Tagovailoa making strides in his recovery. Perhaps a stellar workout could convince the Bengals to opt for the other SEC West legend? A city with sin in its name twice could use a guy like Tua, who aims to have a much bigger legacy off the football field with his faith. 

3) Get Cincinnati to trade back after they fall in love with Jake Fromm: This is a joke, but I think Jake Fromm's ceiling in the NFL is Andy Dalton and it would be absolutely hilarious for at best Andy Dalton 2.0 to take over for the original thing. 

4) David Tepper makes an offer the Bengals can't refuse: Since buying the Carolina Panthers, the NFL's richest owner has been on a spending spree. Tepper orchestrated an arrangement with the South Carolina government to get public funds for a state of the art training facility. He paid a record expansion fee to bring a MLS team to Charlotte. He convinced the North Carolina government to give money towards a renovation of Bank of America Stadium for soccer aesthetics, even though he's eyeing a billion dollar replacement to be built before 2030. He gave Matt Rhule such an exorbitant contract that he angered a majority of NFL owners. He poached the aforementioned Joe Brady from LSU for a still undisclosed amount of money. 

All this is to say I find it hard to believe David Tepper is going to have Cam Newton continue to lead his franchise, as Newton is on the wrong side of 30 with plenty of injury concerns. With Luke Kuechly's retirement and Greg Olsen possibly moving into a studio analysts role, all signs would point to an amicable departure for the former NFL MVP. I find it even harder to believe David Tepper is going to be happy with his team drafting Justin Herbert to replace Newton. I find it next to impossible to believe David Tepper would entrust Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, or any other free agent quarterback to replace Newton

Make the talent depleted Bengals an offer with a half dozen draft picks and reconnect the wunderkind with his prized quarterback. 

5) Enlist Ed Orgeron to make a plea for Joe Burrow to follow in his dad's footsteps: Like I mentioned earlier, Joe Burrow grew up in a family that revolved around college football. His dad was a longtime coach, and LSU is in need of a replacement on their offensive staff. LSU boosters would buy Burrow the nicest house in Baton Rouge. This would most importantly keep the Coach O+Joe Burrow buddy comedy alive and well for the next 20 years. I know I would watch a show where the two of them go to Mardi Gras together. I would pay to watch them fight a couple of gators. As the locals say, "Laissez les bons temps rouler."

6) Convince the Bengals that Andy Dalton will take a Ryan Tannehill leap next year: We're talking about the franchise that kept Marvin Lewis for 16 seasons. Surely we can convince them to resign Andy Dalton to a below market deal and give him another chance or two... or ten... at getting that elusive playoff win.

I'll admit all these plans are long shots. The Bengals' front office is probably salivating at the money they'll earn in #9 jersey sales this summer. There will be plenty of hype videos making Joe Burrow out to be the LeBron James of Southern Ohio leading up to next fall.

But if LSU can find an offense, we can find a way to make one of these plans happen. Joe Burrow is too cool for Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Like way too cool. 

J. Nave 

2019 Was the Worst Year of My Decade.... As a Football Fan

If you're like me, you've spent the past couple weeks digesting a lot of decade in review content. One of my favorite December traditions is watching year in review videos, so the nostalgia this go round has been especially potent with the longer walk down memory lane.

The final month of the decade has also served as a reminder that ten years is a long time. In the sports world, it's basically an eternity. LeBron James started the decade with The Decision, came back to Cleveland and won a title, and he now seems destined to start the 2020s making a run at a championship in Los Angeles. Tiger Woods started the decade fighting off scandal and back surgeries and ended it winning another green jacket. So many others introduced or reintroduced themselves and created moments that fans will remember forever.

Unfortunately for some football fans, like myself, the 2010s resulted in far more losses than wins. I would consider myself a leader in that camp because of more than just the sheer number of losses. It was the magnitude of a few of the most painful losses. The disbelief at the most stunning losses. The complete lack of potential of many of the teams I supported. Let's go back to the beginning and start on the collegiate level.

It all started in 2011 when my hometown Ohio State Buckeyes became embroiled in the landmark scandal throughout college football history (Please read this with heavy sarcasm. The fact that free tattoos got so much press in hindsight remains one of the most glaring ways the NCAA's model has soured over the past ten years). They would compile a 6-7 record the following fall which remains the only season the program has had a losing record this millennium.

I traded in the Buckeyes for the South Carolina Gamecocks in 2013. Coming off of Jadaveon Clowney's heroics in the Outback Bowl and consecutive 11 win seasons, it seemed like I was jumping on board at the perfect time. My new team would win eleven games again that year, but I was there in person when they lost in Athens to Georgia. This miraculous catch in Knoxville would ultimately rob the Gamecocks from playing in the SEC Championship where I adamantly believe they would have beaten Auburn and had the chance to go to the national championship game. You will not convince me otherwise.

The next preseason would be the last time South Carolina registered a blip on the national radar. A beat down at the hands of Texas A&M, which was the first game broadcast on the SEC Network, was as a friend puts it, "the day the music died." The Gamecocks would end up 7-6 in 2014, 3-9 (with a loss to The Citadel after the resignation of Steve Spurrier) in 2015, 6-7 in 2016, 9-4 in 2017 (Not a bad record, but it led to way to high hopes getting obliterated the next fall), and 7-6 in 2018.

As for my professional football fortunes? As Arthur Fleck said in Joker, "I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it’s a comedy." The Cleveland Browns were the only team in the NFL to not have a winning season during the 2010s. While the quarterback play got progressively better, the head coaches got comically worse. The list of first round busts is simply too painful to relitigate. The team went 1-15 and 0-16 in consecutive season. We don't talk enough about how the one game the Cleveland Browns won over two years was all because a blocked and then a missed field goal in the final five minutes!

All of this misfortune, heartbreak, and agony was supposed to end in the fall of 2019. It did not. All three were amplified.

South Carolina was slated to face one of the toughest schedules in college football, but Will Muschamp had his most talented team during his tenure. Jake Bentley was going to shatter every record at the quarterback position. The team would go toe-to-toe with Alabama, Georgia, and Clemson, and the next decade would begin with steadfast belief in the team's trajectory.

South Carolina lost their season opener to a North Carolina team with a true freshman making his first career start. If that wasn't bad enough, our own quarterback suffered a season ending injury. If that wasn't bad enough, Mack Brown's celebratory dancing went viral. The following three months consisted of any shred of momentum being crushed by all sorts of forces:

1) Ryan Hilinski showed incredible poise and moxie in his first two starts against Charleston Southern and Alabama, but the team and university's devotion to his family's mission to advance dialogues around mental health was the biggest highlight. After a banged up Hilinski struggled on the road against Missouri, though, Columbia South Carolina's local newspaper ran one of the most tone deaf headlines of the decade.

                              

2) South Carolina pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the season by beating Georgia, but Hilinski was knocked out of the game with a leg injury. Rumors swirled about the extent of his condition, and after the season, conflicting reports made it impossible for the casual fan to understand the severity of what the freshman quarterback actually battled for weeks. Other injuries plaguing the teams led to the strength and conditioning coach being dismissed following the season. Bryan Edwards, the team's leading receiver, found himself in a similar position to Jake Bentley losing the opportunity to break more records at his position.

3) The Gamecocks would attempt to build off the momentous win the following week, but in one of many examples of horrific officiating across the sport this fall, ultimately came up short against Florida.

4) South Carolina's only win after the Georgia game would be over Vanderbilt's third string quarterback in early November. The team's other home games that month saw disheartening efforts against Appalachian State and Clemson where opposing fanbases took over the stadium in the fourth quarter.

What began with hopes of a decisive springboard to vault the program back towards the top half of the SEC ended with a 4-8 finish with much of the fanbase wanting Will Muschamp fired.

This would have been a hard pill to swallow if I wasn't concurrently following the last twelve months of the Cleveland Browns. I'm not even going to pretend I summarized everything because there were so many storylines in 2019 I'm bound to have forgotten a few of them.

The offseason saw the Browns hire Freddie Kitchens, the blue collar NFL vet who unleashed Baker Mayfield in the second half of 2018. He says and embodies all the right things to initiate himself with Cleveland's ethos. John Dorsey trades for Odell Beckham Jr., the most electric wide receiver in the NFL. They acquire Olivier Vernon and Sheldon Richardson to build one of the most stout defensive lines in the NFL. Some pundits claim the Browns are now America's team. Media outlets run article after article claiming the Browns will accomplish everything from winning the division to making the Super Bowl.

Then, the season started. From September 8th through December 29th, it was as if every major character engaged in a "Hold my beer!" off with one another.

1) Myles Garrett: Gets thrown out of the first game against the Titans for throwing a punch. Gets thrown out of a November contest against the Steelers for assault and borderline attempted murder. Currently he finds himself suspended indefinitely.

2) Baker Mayfield: Calls out the Giants for drafting Daniel Jones. Films a couple of Progressive commercials. Calls out Rex Ryan. Films another Progressive commercials. Shaves his facial hair three times in one day. Films a couple of Hulu commercials. Gets turned into a meme. Films a couple more Progressive commercials. Engages with a vendor in Cincinnati after losing to the 1-14 Bengals. Films another Progressive commercial.

3) Odell Beckham Jr.: Gets in trouble with the NFL for wearing improper cleats. Tells every opposing team to "come get him."

4) Freddie Kitchens: Where do we begin? The soft spoken, blue collar NFL vet said all the right things during the offseason only to make it abundantly clear from the first game he was in over his head. He repeatedly said he didn't coach penalties despite the fact the team was incapable of not committing penalties. He called a draw play on 4th and 9. He could not score in the red zone with one of the most talent laden offenses in the NFL. He instructed an intentional false start to turn a 4th and 11 into a 4th and 16. He refused to relinquish any control over the offense. He admitted he didn't consult statistics. He got into several altercations with the team's best players on the sidelines during the final weeks of the season.

What began with hopes of establishing the Browns as a contender and Baker Mayfield as a dynamic franchise quarterback ended with a 6-10 record and yet another search for a coach and general manager to maximize their quarterback.

To add insult to injury, my childhood team couldn't beat my alma mater's arch rival after one of the biggest "what if" games in recent college football history (Included in the numerous what ifs were some very questionable officiating because that's basically a given at this point). I also couldn't even make my fantasy football championship after drafting Lamar Jackson, Chris Godwin, Josh Jacobs, and Mark Andrews.

Will 2020 and the decade ahead be any better? It certainly will be tough to be any worse. I'd love for my professional football team to have a quarterback that exemplifies the same maturity as my college football team. I'd love for an adult with head coaching experience at the helm in Cleveland. I'd love for Jordan Burch and MarShawn Lloyd to make an immediate impact for South Carolina in the fall.

As I type this, though, I'm reading rumors the Browns might hire Urban Meyer. I'm reminding myself Jordan Burch hasn't signed his letter of intent. It took one day after watching the majestic sights of the Rose Bowl to lose all my romanticism about football.

So for now, I guess I'm just praying. Praying Joe Burrow hangs 70 points on Clemson's defense again and shuts Dabo Swinney up... At least for a couple of minutes.

J. Nave

My Next Chapter: A Diehard Hornets Fan

These last few months I've been racking up notable life events. I became a father (to a dog). I started a new job. My Columbus Blue Jackets won a playoff series and I cried a lot. I got engaged. I got married and I cried a lot but not quite as much as the playoff series win because I've been in a relationship with that team a lot longer than I have my wife and it's been a much rockier road and that's what being a fan is all about and my wife is okay with that so I married the right woman and that's an awesome feeling.

On top of all the life changes, I really didn't even see a need for this outlet anymore. Instead of Facebook posts encouraging me to read a friend's blog, I was told to listen to their podcast. I was implored to watch their fitness and diet journeys on Instagram. I went out of style and all I could do was watch as the world around me became unrecognizable just like every generation before me.

Over the last couple weeks, though, I've felt a calling to return to the keyboard. Most of my best posts have revolved around the struggles of my favorite teams. Those words were historically the most therapeutic and it felt like writing a commiseration guidebook for my readers who rooted for the same franchises that never won anything. That calling this time came from the city where I've lived for more than two years: Charlotte, North Carolina.

It's always felt odd to call Charlotte home. You see practically nobody my age in the Queen City was born and raised here. They probably went to college in the Southeast and moved here for a solid job in finance because this slice of millennial heaven has everything and better weather than New York. Apartment complexes are popping up on every corner competing in an amenities arm race. A craft brewery or coffee shop is always a short walk away. You can bring your dog with you everywhere. The city essentially makes the start of adulting come with training wheels.

Now that I have a family, it seemed that calling was telling me to put down some roots. Personally the easiest way to make this place my home would be a relationship with a local sports team. I did some soul searching, and at the end of the process, the answer was obvious. I tried to become a Carolina Panthers fan in college for Twitter fame. The Charlotte Checkers, the city's minor league hockey team, just won a title. Mama didn't raise no bandwagon fan. The Charlotte Knights, the AAA affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, are a baseball team and baseball is more irrelevant than a blog post from a 24 year old with no formal writing experience.

When I considered the Charlotte Hornets, I saw my destiny. I saw bright teal and purple lights illuminating the perfectly missing piece of my fandom puzzle. The team embodied everything that felt like home from my past (AKA irrelevant and/or incompetent) and that was before news broke earlier this week that their best player, Kemba Walker, would be leaving the team. The more I thought about it, though, the Hornets might take the cake on those two traits when lumped aside my Browns and my Blue Jackets. Consider the following:

• The list of Charlotte Hornets draft picks. That speaks for itself. 
• Seriously go click on that link. I'm convinced Michael Jordan flips on his television in March each year and remembers the names Dick Vitale and Charles Barkley, two men most would not listen to for draft advice, rattle off the most. Each pick comes from a "elite" college basketball program and only of them panned out. 
• Kemba Walker, the one pick who did pan out, wasn't offered anywhere close to a max contract. The same front office thought a career backup was worth $19 million a year. 
• The Hornets have nearly $100 million tied up next season to five guys who must have dirt on the front office. I think France's Nic Batum is personally out for revenge for the Louisiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson famously paid only $15 million to acquire all of the land from France. Batum is making $52 million to play below replacement level basketball the next two years. Napoleon wishes he had that much clout.
• The Hornets are at best the fourth most popular basketball team in the city. Duke and North Carolina take the top two spots in this college basketball crazed state, and since Steph Curry grew up here, the Warriors' bandwagon contingent is mighty. The aforementioned transplants take over the Spectrum Center when teams like Boston or Philadelphia come to town, so on certain nights, they could slide down another spot. 
• Nobody in the national media is spending too much time discussing the Hornets' incompetence because the New York Knicks exist. If Kawhi Leonard doesn't join the Lakers at this point, Charlotte will have to settle for bronze for the biggest offseason letdown. 
• The Cleveland Cavaliers coming back from a 3-1 deficit to win the 2016 NBA Finals over the 73 win Golden State Warriors was one of the biggest thrills of my life. LeBron James leaving for Los Angeles combined with the fact I've been to a total of one Cavs game in my life made the group the easiest goodbye. 

The dozens of Hornets fans around me are threatening to abandon the team, but I'm personally salivating at that recipe. I've believed time and time again that the Browns would finally choose the right quarterback. I watched the two most talented players in Blue Jackets' history leave the team today and get nothing in return. Michael Jordan and Mitch Kupchak frankly delivered a perfect recruiting pitch. If I don't become a diehard Hornets fan, I'm betraying myself as a man. 

What does being Charlotte's newest super fan look like? That's a question we're going to answer together. The niche for Charlotte Hornets basketball commentary might be borderline nonexistent, but that seems like a good place to start. I want to hold myself accountable, so I set some classic SMART goals for the 2019-2020 season. 

• Go to at least one Hornets game every month next season. I can't imagine the demand exceeding the supply, and if my economics classes taught me anything, taking the four for four page out of Wendy's playbook might be the best play for upper bowl tickets for a few home games. 
• I will acquire at least three articles of Hornets' clothing before the New Year, including one jersey of a current player on the team (a knockoff from China, obviously). I have a throwback Muggsy Bogues jersey already. Off to a hot start. 
• I will write one Hornets blog post every month to summarize life in Buzz City. The national media might not care about our plight, but we will not be silenced. 
• I will buy my dog a Charlotte bandana/collar to ensure my family bleeds purple and teal. 
• I will get drunk at least once and apply for a press credential at some point in the second half of the season. 

There's a lot of work to be done. I need to remind myself what Zeller brother plays for the team about a hundred times. I need to figure out some puns for Dwayne Bacon. I need to familiarize myself with Coach Borrego's style of play. Most importantly, if there any other Hornets fans out there, I need to find out where I can get a genuine sense of community and camaraderie. Do we have a rallying cry or something? If not, I have a suggestion for the AK (after Kemba) era:

Let's get buzzed, Charlotte.

J. Nave

Nick Saban is a Coward Unless He Demands to be the Browns Next Coach

According to Wikipedia, Murphy's Law refers to the belief that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Also according to Wikipedia, many smart people think this idea is blasphemous. These people have never encountered the Cleveland Browns. They have especially never encountered the 2018 Cleveland Browns.

If the last two decades were a testament to the idea, this year's team has found a way to add an overwhelming amount of favorable evidence. They entered their Week 9 contest against the Kansas City Chiefs without their head coach and offensive coordinator. Their former coach is on a bizarre media tour unlike anything we've ever seen before. They've amassed a 2-6-1 record which has been simultaneously promising and damning. Their interim head coach went viral this summer for needing a lozenge, which would be a lot more hilarious if he wasn't the same man who placed bounties on NFL quarterbacks earlier this decade. Their kicking situation has been so dire the team's owner bought a soccer team in the state to find a suitable replacement.

Despite all the carnage, the team may finally have an answer to their quarterback woes in Baker Mayfield. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, but he's made Browns football fun again. After this past week, however, the team's mission the rest of the way should be avoiding any and all serious injuries. There's always next year in Cleveland sports, and the promise of next year could be tantalizing if the Browns hire the right head coach. 

Whoever follows Hue Jackson will not have big shoes to fill. Whether it was Jackson, Mike Pettine, Rob Chudzinski, Terry Rogers, Chris Palmer, or Barry Mendelssohn (Two of those guys are made up. Can you identify them? I wrote the damn article and I needed several seconds when I proofread this to remember the answer), this has been a troubling trend the past two decades. The rumor mill has already been cranked up and everybody who is anybody will likely see their name surface in the next two to three months. 

Cleveland may poach Mayfield's college coach, Lincoln Riley, from Oklahoma. When Aaron Rodgers inevitably jettisons Mike McCarthy from Green Bay at the end of the year, there may be a Super Bowl winning coach available on the market. The Browns may target one of the promising assistants under wunderkind Sean McVay or offer seven first round picks in a trade for the man himself. Bruce Arians has already expressed a desire to come out of retirement. All of these names would at the very least be intriguing. For the first time in a long time, the job may be appealing enough to attract a noteworthy candidate.

But I hope one name comes calling for the job: Nick Saban.

That's right. Bill Belichick's defensive coordinator during his stint with Cleveland in the 1990s needs to come home. Journalists and bloggers have written ad nauseam about Saban's success at Alabama. He's currently in the midst of his most dominant season to date. Coming into this season, Saban had mastered every requirement to build a juggernaut program short of finding an elite quarterback and a reliable kicker. Tua Tagovailoa, a rich man's Tom Brady, crossed the first task off the list. The result? Alabama is throttling every opponent this fall. The latter is an oxymoron at the collegiate level, so this is literally as good as it gets. 

Nick Saban could stay at Alabama where he gets an official bye week before playing LSU every year, essentially another bye week before playing Auburn every year, and for all intents and purposes a third bye week when he plays Tennessee every year. He could continue spending his summers at his $11 million lake house in Georgia reminiscing on a season of blowout wins. He could continue his hysterical tirades on the sideline at third stringers when his team is up 46 points in the 4th quarter. I fully expect him to opt for this lifestyle for a few more years because it's equally monotonous and lucrative. Saban will pad his stats before he firmly cements himself as the greatest college football coach of all time, if he hasn't already. 

But if this football genius, meticulous craftsman, and leader of men wants to erase the biggest stain on his legacy, he's about to have the perfect opportunity in 2019. Nick Saban can come to Cleveland where he plays six games a season against the gritty and grueling AFC North. He can spend his summer molding one of the most promising crops of young pass rushers in the NFL. He can groom the sport's next star quarterback equally obsessed with attention to detail. He can stop beating up on his own hapless former coordinators scattered across the southeast and take a shot at his former mentor and the second best quarterback in the history of football (Cleveland at New England is on the schedule for 2019. Imagine the story lines. The world needs this narrative instead of desperate and ungrounded rationalizations to hype up LSU's chances of beating Alabama for the millionth year in a row).

Nick Saban's success at the collegiate level is unprecedented. He could remain in Tuscaloosa for another decade and go on a run that would rival John Wooden. Achieving success in the pros is a whole different animal, though. The fact remain Nick Saban had about as much success as Trent Richardson during his first crack at the NFL. Does this, like the rat poison he laments all the time, keep Saban up at night?

It would if I was Nick Saban. But then again, I'm not a coward.

J. Nave

Are the Cleveland Browns Legitimately Cursed?

We're two weeks into the NFL season, so just as you would expect, there has been a slew of unexpected storylines. Ryan Fitzpatrick is in the conversation for league MVP. Blake Bortles' stats are no longer a meme. The Patriots aren't good anymore (Just kidding, but much love to Trent Dilfer). Patrick Mahomes is the greatest football player of all time. Andy Dalton hasn't thrown a pick six. The Browns haven't lost two games.

We're two weeks into the NFL season, so just as you would expect, there has been a slew of expected plot developments. The Saints forgot the football season starts in September. Hiring Jon Gruden may have not been the best use of $100 million. The Rams have established themselves as Super Bowl favorites. The Giants don't have an offensive line. The Eagles completed a pass to their quarterback. The Browns haven't won a game. 

For those of you paying attention, only one team has managed to stake a claim in both camps. The Cleveland Browns, riding a wave of enthusiasm fueled by Hard Knocks hype, Baker Mayfield's presence, and regression to the mean, have come firing out of the gate to amass a 0-1-1 record against two Super Bowl contenders. Had you offered me that this time last month, I would've had Devon Cajuste's face tattooed on my leg to seal the deal (RIP...). Watching this team the last two weeks, though, I'm convinced there is a higher power puppeteering their misery. 

The Cleveland Browns should be 2-0 right now. That is not a hot take. That is not an exaggerated moral win/loss record. That is a factual statement. In week one, the Browns finished the game with a +5 turnover margin. The Browns were basically the stereotypical kid benefiting from two Christmases with recently divorced parents getting gift after gift after gift. They somehow could only manage a tie. Since the Browns returned to the NFL, teams with a turnover margin of +5 or better in a game are 132-4-1. The Browns are responsible for two of those losses and the tie (Stat courtesy of Bill Barnwell). Another variable at play was a blocked field goal in the final seconds of overtime, but we'll get to Zane Gonzalez in due time. 

In week two the Browns traveled to New Orleans to face a team coming off a game where they scored 40 points and lost. Hue Jackson, in perhaps the finest moment of his coaching career, actually... developed and executed a game plan? Cleveland rode the play of their defense, held the ball for long stretches at a time keeping Drew Brees on the sideline, and took a 12-3 lead in the second half. 

Their lead was only 12-3 because Zane Gonzales missed the extra point following Carlos Hyde's touchdown. Considering this was probably the best drive by the Browns in three years given the circumstances, the miss stung but it was excusable. A few minutes later, Zane Gonzales would proceed to miss a field goal during a bout of bad weather in the Superdome. Tyrod Taylor, the most elite game manager in the NFL, would follow that up by channeling former teammate Nathan Peterman and threw a terrible interception deep in his own territory. The Saints took the lead, and the Browns snatched defeat from the jaws of victory once again. 

But wait! Tyrod Taylor bounced back and connected on a fourth down Hail Mary with a dynamic receiver who may have finally put his off the field issues in the rear view mirror (Not the one you're thinking of... Josh Gordon became a New England Patriot as I was writing this, too, for the record). The game was tied at 18, pending the extra point. It remained tied because Zane Gonzales missed another extra point due to the Superdome's brisk winds. Drew Brees responded with a stellar drive ending in New Orleans taking a three point lead, and the Browns snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.

But wait! Tyrod Taylor impersonated Drew Brees and led the Browns down the field in only twenty seconds to set up a game tying field goal. Would there be redemption? Of course not. Zane Gonzales shanked this kick wide right probably because he was forced to kick off of dirt since New Orleans plays in an archaic baseball stadium. Final score: Saints-21 Browns-18

Zane Gonzales won the Lou Groza Award, annually given to college football's best kicker, in 2016. College kickers are so notoriously terrible even the Alabama Football Factory™ hasn't managed to work out all the kinks. I'm not sure even the worst of college kickers would have been able to replicate Gonzales' Sunday afternoon considering he was kicking indoors. I could make a stereotypical Arizona State grad is hungover after a night on Bourbon Street joke or I could make a stereotypical his reported groin injury was inflicted with assistance from a voodoo doll joke. You can choose your own adventure because it's unexplainable how a decorated college football star fell short of expectations in the NFL... 

Statistical improbabilities and player incompetence aren't new concepts in Cleveland. Their culture revolutionizes the art of losing. This year's versions just seem exceptionally cruel simply because there are hints of talent scattered down the depth chart. Combined with over 600 days since the Browns won a football game these two blown opportunities make it seem like there is no getting out of this abyss. Let's reiterate that point. Next week will mark 22 months since the Browns tasted victory.  It's not hard to envision a dystopian future where the Bud Light coolers spread across the city are never opened.

Curses need to be tested from time to time in order to prove their staying power. The Browns get a prime opportunity to see if they are truly capable of winning a football game this week against the New York Jets. The game is at home. The Jets are playing their third game in eleven days. Sam Darnold is a mistake prone rookie quarterback playing against the defense leading the NFL in takeaways. The Browns are wearing their color rush uniforms for the first time (Yes, I agree it's ironic that it took Cleveland two years longer than the rest of the NFL to embrace even a jersey trend). Zane Gonzales is no longer on the team. Vegas even has the Browns as a favorite

Thursday night games have a tendency to provide bizarre results and an ugly brand of football. Throwing the Browns and Jets into the equation can seemingly only ramp up the degree of absurdity. It seems the only fitting way for this streak to end is the entire city of Cleveland being hungover on Friday morning off of free Bud Light.

J. Nave

Photo from cleveland.com

Tiger Woods is A Lock to Win the 2018 Memorial

As much as Dwayne Johnson loves summer action blockbusters with names derived from adjectives that exude testosterone, and as much as college girls love sharing weirdly specific fantasies about their future husbands and kids on Twitter, the sports world equally loves two debates: Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James and Tiger Woods vs. Being Back. ESPN devotes ten hours of programming a day to the former. No need for us to waste space and bump up Disney stock. That's what the Star Wars franchise is for after all. The second debate, though, has taken some interesting twists and turns this spring.

Woods is not only consistently making the cut in tournaments, he's essentially playing himself into contention on Sunday nearly every time out. His recent outing at THE PLAYERS (Don't ask me why it's stylized like that...) was arguably his strongest showing of the year. I'm not counting his second place finish at the Valspar Championship where he had a chance on the 72nd hole to force a playoff. Why? Because Tiger Woods' "first win" after his last few years deserves to come at a tournament not named after a paint company. That would be more appropriately suited for the climax of a Will Ferrell sports comedy that could have totally been released during the mid 2000s.

Even though Tiger has been on this tear and even though his sheer presence is solely reviving interest, participation, and cash flows in golf, I don't think many will claim Tiger is back until he finally tastes victory again. He's a victim of his own creation and expectations. Thankfully, this time is going to arrive next weekend.

The more I thought about what's on the horizon for Tiger this summer the more I realized Tiger Woods winning the Memorial Tournament is the only way this version of Woods can get over the hump and/or how the prophecy of his glorious return can be fulfilled depending on your point of view. Besides the fact I will be there to witness the moment in person and be presented the golden opportunity to sell my badge to a Tiger fanboy for millions of dollars, consider the following:

-Tiger Woods has won the Memorial five times. Back in the day, he managed to win the tournament three consecutive times (1999-2001). It's safe to say he feels comfortable at Muirfield Village.

-The host of the Memorial is none other than the most decorated golfer of all time, Jack Nicklaus. Also known as the man Tiger has been relentlessly pursuing for two decades. Nicklaus racked up 18 major championship, while Tiger has been stuck on 14 for longer than anyone would have ever guessed ten years ago.

-Tiger will be playing in the event for the first time since 2015. During that year's tournament, Woods shot an 85 on Saturday. For context, I played Muirfield Village once in my life and nearly matched the number of pars Woods had that day. Unsurprisingly that is to date Woods worst round on the PGA Tour. He finished in last place. For his nadir to come at this course is perhaps the cruelest metaphor for just how far he had fallen. I'd say it seems like the perfect spot to a return to glory if you're a believer the night is darkest just before dawn.

-During this year's pro-am, Tiger is going to be paired with Peyton Manning. Two widely beloved athletes goofing around on the links will be a spectacle to watch unfold, but once Manning puts his name in the Nationwide jingle at some drunken fan's request, there's going to be no stopping Tiger's rhythm the next four days.

Yet on a more romantic note, the biggest reason why Tiger's "first victory" has to come in Dublin is nothing more than a gesture. As the winner walks off their final hole, Jack Nicklaus is always there to greet the winner with a handshake. While throughout his entire career Tiger Woods has eclipsed one milestone after another, the major championship record commonly predicted to inevitable define him is more than likely never going to be shattered. Given the state of today's game, where a guy half his age won the most recent PGA Tour event, even one more major victory is going to be a challenging feat (*Insert plug for my post from a few months ago*)

But the image of golf's strongest candidates for the greatest of all time label sharing a moment once again given everything that's transpired these past few years would officially slam the door shut on Woods' past struggles. It could come to mark the start of the happy ending chapter for Woods' career where he valiantly chases Nicklaus for the next decade. Perhaps it serves as a poignant reminder of what could have been in an alternate universe if his career ends with no additional victories. If nothing else, it's a point in time sports historians cite in 3018 when they take a moment away from debating whether LeBron or MJ would better fit in their version of the NBA.

J. Nave