Don't Make Joe Burrow Go Back to Ohi-eaux

Last summer a Spongebob watching, Matthew Dellavedova loving, perfectly mediocre quarterback embarked on a campaign with a simple message: LSU was finally going to have an offense. They were going to score 40, 50, sometimes 60 points when they took the field. They were going to unleash this offense on the mighty SEC thanks to a mysterious coach that learned under Sean Payton.

Everybody essentially treated Joey Burrow like he was doing his best Pinhead Larry impression.

It took about three months for us to realize we should have listened to the man. 

The cigar smoking, cocky hat wearing, newly crowned King of the Bayou deservedly took some time to revel in the Superdome on Monday night after dispatching Clemson. You can do that after throwing 60 touchdown passes, winning the Heisman, and authoring one of the most dominant seasons in college football history. You can do that when you take yourself from a fringe NFL Draft prospect to the consensus first overall pick. Joe Burrow can do whatever the hell he wants in Louisiana for the rest of his life. This image from the locker room should be the groundwork for his statue in Baton Rouge.

Large swaths of football fans probably believe in destiny thanks to the circumstances that brought Ed Orgeron, then Joe Burrow, and finally Joe Brady to Baton Rouge this fall. I, and many others, became Tiger fans because the story became more and more impossible to root against. After their unbelievable season, Joe Brady is heading back to the NFC South to be the NFL's youngest offensive coordinator and Joe Burrow seems all but guaranteed to become a Cincinnati Bengal. 

Here's the thing, though. We can't let that happen.

Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for one of the worst owners in professional sports who will 100% not sign him to a second deal if he plays well on his rookie contract because he's notoriously cheap. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in what is regularly the least attended football stadium in the NFL (The Chargers playing in a soccer stadium don't count). Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for a team that injured its best player in embarrassing fashion in 2019. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in a city where he doesn't enjoy its staple food. I deserve better than having to watch the six coaches that the Cleveland Browns will have in the 2020s try to figure out Lamar Jackson and Joe Burrow four times every fall. 

There are nearly 100 days until the NFL Draft which gives us time to find a way to see that the surefire number one pick is either taken by some team other than the Bengals or precipitously falls in the draft.

I'm choosing to ignore the message of The Witcher. We're going to fight destiny as hard and as creatively as possible, consequences be damned. 

Here are a few options:

1) A complete and thorough character assassination of Joe Burrow: I thought it would take until at least February for this to be on the table. After all this man raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for his impoverished hometown. But as I wrote this, Steve Young went on the air to say Joe Burrow smoking a cigar and admitting he was hungover the day after the National Championship is worrisome. I predict next that a former general manager will say Joe Burrow's dream of winning a national championship, rather than dreaming of being a NFL quarterback, should be a red flag for teams before Valentine's Day. Accusations of being a system quarterback are a guarantee to come from a career backup quarterback on ESPN before the combine. I think this might be our best bet. 

2) Tua Tagovailoa gets healthy ahead of schedule: Back when Joe Burrow was going around making those ridiculous claims about LSU's offense, the Miami Dolphins were getting ready to embark on their season with a singular goal: Tank for Tua. Alabama's quarterback suffered an ankle injury in October and a devastating hip injury in November which put his draft status in limbo (Meanwhile, the Miami Dolphins went full Fitzpatrick and won five games because that's what happens when you go full Fitzpatrick. They now seem to be in a great position to still draft Tua). All signs point to Tagovailoa making strides in his recovery. Perhaps a stellar workout could convince the Bengals to opt for the other SEC West legend? A city with sin in its name twice could use a guy like Tua, who aims to have a much bigger legacy off the football field with his faith. 

3) Get Cincinnati to trade back after they fall in love with Jake Fromm: This is a joke, but I think Jake Fromm's ceiling in the NFL is Andy Dalton and it would be absolutely hilarious for at best Andy Dalton 2.0 to take over for the original thing. 

4) David Tepper makes an offer the Bengals can't refuse: Since buying the Carolina Panthers, the NFL's richest owner has been on a spending spree. Tepper orchestrated an arrangement with the South Carolina government to get public funds for a state of the art training facility. He paid a record expansion fee to bring a MLS team to Charlotte. He convinced the North Carolina government to give money towards a renovation of Bank of America Stadium for soccer aesthetics, even though he's eyeing a billion dollar replacement to be built before 2030. He gave Matt Rhule such an exorbitant contract that he angered a majority of NFL owners. He poached the aforementioned Joe Brady from LSU for a still undisclosed amount of money. 

All this is to say I find it hard to believe David Tepper is going to have Cam Newton continue to lead his franchise, as Newton is on the wrong side of 30 with plenty of injury concerns. With Luke Kuechly's retirement and Greg Olsen possibly moving into a studio analysts role, all signs would point to an amicable departure for the former NFL MVP. I find it even harder to believe David Tepper is going to be happy with his team drafting Justin Herbert to replace Newton. I find it next to impossible to believe David Tepper would entrust Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, or any other free agent quarterback to replace Newton

Make the talent depleted Bengals an offer with a half dozen draft picks and reconnect the wunderkind with his prized quarterback. 

5) Enlist Ed Orgeron to make a plea for Joe Burrow to follow in his dad's footsteps: Like I mentioned earlier, Joe Burrow grew up in a family that revolved around college football. His dad was a longtime coach, and LSU is in need of a replacement on their offensive staff. LSU boosters would buy Burrow the nicest house in Baton Rouge. This would most importantly keep the Coach O+Joe Burrow buddy comedy alive and well for the next 20 years. I know I would watch a show where the two of them go to Mardi Gras together. I would pay to watch them fight a couple of gators. As the locals say, "Laissez les bons temps rouler."

6) Convince the Bengals that Andy Dalton will take a Ryan Tannehill leap next year: We're talking about the franchise that kept Marvin Lewis for 16 seasons. Surely we can convince them to resign Andy Dalton to a below market deal and give him another chance or two... or ten... at getting that elusive playoff win.

I'll admit all these plans are long shots. The Bengals' front office is probably salivating at the money they'll earn in #9 jersey sales this summer. There will be plenty of hype videos making Joe Burrow out to be the LeBron James of Southern Ohio leading up to next fall.

But if LSU can find an offense, we can find a way to make one of these plans happen. Joe Burrow is too cool for Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Like way too cool. 

J. Nave