As
unbelievable as this might sound, this blog is becoming quite old. This is my
49th post. We're nearing the third anniversary. This blog is so old if parents
described the age of their children in the months this blog has been around, it
would officially be weird (On a side note, what an odd societal practice in the
first place, no matter the age. Parents, anything over 24 months, though,
is extremely pretentious and probably an attempt to convince yourself
your baby not being able to crawl with 4.4 speed, or whatever
babies are supposed to do, like its peers is okay and not a sign of bad
parenting). Thankfully, just in time to get some brand revitalization
and momentum for the third year of the laughably incorrect predictions to come
on this blog, Super Bowl 50 capstones the football calendar this week and
affords an invaluable opportunity.
For
the observant and careful readers in the last paragraph, you are correct; for
the first time ever, Roman numerals are not being used in notation for
football's biggest stage. This was a drastic marketing disaster for the NFL
because t-shirts with Super Bowl L(it) would've been best sellers. I guess
Roger Goodell wasn't in the mood to be associated with yet another L. I can't
blame him for that, but don't be afraid to take some risks ever once in awhile,
Roger! Anyways, for the third time, we don't need the talking heads of the
sports world to tell us who's going to win the Super Bowl. Simply by taking a
look around the world at several important factors, I can give you a definitive
winner (Actually, I'm only 1-1, but don't tell anybody. Plus, for this blog,
that's a marvelous success rate).
1.
Coldplay
This
year, Coldplay will be taking the stage in Santa Clara, California to perform
at halftime. Are the late 1990s even calling to get this band back? Does
Coldplay truly have fans? Has a Coldplay song been on the radio since 'Viva La
Vida' back when I was in middle school? Is Roger Goodell trying to lure us
all to sleep while he plans an Oceans level heist to become commissioner of all
other leagues? Is Taylor Swift still recovering after her 1989 tour? Couldn't
Kanye West and Wiz Khalifa have a rap battle? Was literally every other band on
the planet busy? Is Beyonce supposed to fit in with Chris Martin? Is this Bill
Belichick's favorite band and repayment for the whole Deflategate deal incident
last year? Is this the doctor Concussion was based on's favorite band and
repayment for the NFL's whole attitude towards that issue? Does the NFL think
having a British band will let them put a team across the pond more seamlessly?
Nobody wins this point. Fire Goodell.
Carolina-
0 Denver- 0
2.
Jim Nantz
With
CBS broadcasting the Super Bowl, Jim Nantz will be on the call. Nantz, one of
the most recognizable broadcasters in the world, has had some phenomenal last
words at the conclusion of iconic games and tournaments. There is also nothing
in this world Jim Nantz loves more than Peyton Manning. In his first Super Bowl
for CBS, the Peyton Manning led Colts beat the Bears. Now, in what could
potentially be the final game of Peyton Manning's career, Nantz is set to be on
the call. That can't be just a coincidence, right? If the Eastern European
syndicate from Taken stole Nantz' daughter instead of Liam Neeson's, there
wouldn't have been a movie. Jim would have kidnapped Peyton to frolic off into
the sunset together, dreaming of a life full of endless interviews and
Nationwide jingles day after day. That's how much Jim Nantz loves this man!
God, or at least the lawyers who drew the media contracts up to let the Super
Bowl schedule fall across the networks as such, really, really wants Manning to
win. First point, goes to Denver.
Denver:
1 Carolina: 0
3.
Dabbing
While
he may not have been the first athlete to incorporate the trend into an
athletic celebration, Cam Newton sure did embrace the "dance move"
and elevate the action to a societal mainstay. A Tennessee fan accused Newton
of being a classless embarrassment for the NFL following a lengthy touchdown
dance capped with the move, and the rest has gone onto become one of the most
fun chapters in Panther's history. The whole Panthers team has been dabbing on
the way to 17 wins. Hilary Clinton dabbed on air with Ellen. Kids in Charlotte
know a dab by Newton means one of them is going home with a football. It might
not last long into 2016, as "Running Off On The Plug" and countless
other moves seem ready supplant the touchdown mainstay. But hey, props to Cam
for finding something to market and for virtually becoming a more frequent
Santa Claus.
Denver:
1 Carolina: 1
4.
Papa John's
Speaking
of marketing, what NFL player does a better job of making his impact on
television than Peyton Manning. He was hilarious as a host of Saturday Night Live
way back in the day. He loves Chicken Parmesan and every seven syllable phrase
thanks to Nationwide. But most importantly, he could retire today, launch his
own copycat pizza company called "Papa Peyton's", and run poor John
out of business. If he upgraded the company's average product, gave customers
more garlic sauce, and continued a promotion of Garlic Knots with Jim Nantz
(?!?!?!?), he'd run the entire industry out of business. Cam Newton seems
poised to seize several more endorsement deals and commercials down the line,
but nothing today is more American than pizza... So Denver gets the point.
Denver:
2 Carolina: 1
5.
Superior City?
As
a college student soon to enter the job market, I'm always looking into
possible places to launch a career after graduation (A contingency should I not
get an offer to run my own show on ESPN, NBC, or the first sports talk show to
air on Netflix). Both of these cities seem pretty damn cool. To test this
assumption, I did what any intelligent millennial would do: Go to Reddit and
let the Internet's most helpful users support my claim. Here are some of the
finest persuasive statements:
"... It would be very
hard to not like Denver. Was there for NYE and it was 18 degrees and it was
still awesome. Food, breweries, distilleries, the legal weed, amazing outdoors
activities... I would live there."
"Denver
is more dense and has better transportation & urban development (if you're
into that lifestyle). There is also the marijuana legislation, so if you do that
it's obviously a better choice."
"Honestly,
I'm really liking Charlotte. We have a beer scene that rivals Denver's. There
are all sorts off outdoorsy things to do here. We have a beach within a couple
hours drive. Both cities seem to really value their appearance."
"(Charlotte)
is wonderful, and has so much more to offer than where I moved from. The
weather's great, there's mountains 2 hours away, the ocean 3 hours away, a
bunch of neat restaurants and shops, and polite people all around."
This is a tough one. Mountains and
marijuana versus metropolis and location. The most reputable sources on the
Internet even seem torn on the matter. I've never been to Denver, but the Rocky
Mountains are unquestionably a gorgeous backdrop for life. Charlotte also calls
its downtown, Uptown. Little bourgeois of the Queen City if you ask me. It
might be hard to breathe, but I'm going to make this sacrifice for the
breathless views and give the point to Denver. Unlike most of their games,
Carolina is off to a slow start.
Denver: 3
Carolina: 1
6. Six-One-Four
The Carolina Panthers have four
starters who attended The Ohio State University. In a giant bout of homegrown
Buckeye Bias, that has to count for something. Kurt Coleman has been a thief in
the secondary. Ted Ginn Jr. and "Philly" Brown have turned into two
of the league's most surprising playmakers this season. Andrew Norwell is a
beast on the offensive line that helped the Panthers develop a league-leading
running game. The Denver Broncos have one starter who attended The Ohio State
University. That player is Bradley Roby. In what should have been the final
game of his career, the 2014 Orange Bowl against Clemson, Roby sat out in what
has widely been perceived as "draft stock insurance." Watkins would
catch 16 passes for over 200 yards to give the Tigers a win. In a giant bout of
both Gamecock Pride and Buckeye Bias, that is inexcusable if true. We'll never
know for certain if he actually had an injury, and Roby is an incredible
player, but the advantage here goes to the Panthers either way.
Denver: 3
Carolina: 2
7. Fast Food
Two years ago, one of the definitive
factors of my prediction was grounded in Chipotle being headquartered in the
Mile-High City. Even with its E.coli scandal, there is no better quick service
burrito option. I'd rather risk eating at Chipotle than convince myself Moe's
or Qdoba is a more viable option because of the presence of queso. However,
since that time, I've discovered a fast food restaurant based in Charlotte that
pushes the integrity fueled Mexican food down a step to the silver medal. This
magical place is called Bojangles. The best chicken fingers on the planet, the
indescribable taste that is found in every bite of Bo-Berry biscuits, the
sweetest sweet tea in the south, and just about everything else on the menu has
turned this mecca of southern fast food into a dietary staple of mine. Sure, it
might not payoff in the long run for my health, but I'm Bo-Sizing this
paragraph right now and giving the prediction formula, tying point to the
Panthers.
Denver: 3
Carolina: 3
8. Personal Intangible
No matter who wins Super Bowl 50, the
story writes itself for sportswriters everywhere. Either Peyton Manning gets a
career defining victory for a franchise that nearly abandoned all faith in him
a couple months ago, or the Panthers cement themselves as a contender for years
to come behind Cam Newton and an insanely athletic defense. So who gets the
edge from me? The team I now support.
Last week, I officially declared my independence from my Browns' fandom. I've watched the Panthers play nearly every Sunday in the fall and reaped the benefits of discounted Krispy Kreme Doughnuts on far too many Mondays ($4 for a dozen in the Carolinas). So yeah, I'm on board. This means for the first time in my lifetime, "my team" is playing in the Super Bowl. If the success rate for professional sports teams I support continues to impact the Panthers, they will lose- and probably in embarrassing fashion. But something about this team feels special. It won't be easy to beat Manning-Nantz in what could be their final act together, but if anybody can do it, it's this team that couldn't gain the respect they deserved all season long.
Keep Pounding, Panthers. Oh, and Krispy Kreme, how about a free dozen for a Carolina win?
Carolina: 24 Denver: 13
J. Nave
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