1. Riley Curry
After Matthew Dellavedova played like a destroyer of worlds when guarding the 2015 NBA MVP in the first three games of last year's title game, the Warriors, led by Steph Curry, flipped over the table and crushed the Cavaliers in the final three contests. With that, the renewed media love affair with the entire Curry clan returned with a feverish vengeance. At the center of the picture was Curry's daughter, Riley. Sure, there were some cute and adorable moments on the road trip to a Warriors' championship, but the attention over the course of last summer got borderline exhausting. She's might only be three years old, but after one web search I discovered she somehow has her own Wikia page?!?!?!?!? http://nbafamily.wikia.com/wiki/Riley_Curry. It's a pathetic page, but that's still absurd all things considered. We should be better than that, world. Perhaps her tears after a defeat to the Spurs in the conference finals will wash away this cringe inducing obsession from the face of the Earth.
2. Draymond Green and his Path to Sobriety
Last year during Golden State's victory parade, Draymond Green was working on turning his BAC into an impressive points per possession figure. Let's fast forward to June and imagine Draymond after the Warriors win back to back titles AND eclipse the Chicago Bulls' record. He might die of alcohol poisoning. The world can't let that happen, right? It would be such a tragic ending to such a legendary story. When the Trail Blazers end the Warriors' season in April, Draymond will have plenty of time for margaritas and Dos Equis on the beaches of Cabo at a moderate pace.
3. Steph Curry vs. His Baby Face
The basketball hoop is afraid of Steph Curry's jumper when the man crosses half court. He can pull up with confidence from anywhere, and that's one of the reasons why as one sharpshooter to another I have a tremendous amount of respect for him. Why do I bring this up? There is a strong correlation between what I described above and the attitudes between Curry's face and a razor blade. From a purely objective standpoint, the best three point shooter in NBA history does not pull off his facial hair at all. The "Baby Faced Assassin" phase from Davidson is responsible for Curry's first step to basketball stardom. Go back to how you looked then, man. I want to see you continue making shots that should have no business going in, but at what price I ask? At what price? Use some of your money from Under Armour to buy a razor when your offseason begins earlier than anyone expected.
4. The Year of the Raptor?
Very few basketball pundits are picking against the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference playoff field. But there are a lot of signs both on and off the court that the Raptors could derail a Finals' rematch. First off, Kyle Lowry has torched the Cavs every time the two teams have played this season. DeMar DeRozan has developed into a more than capable two guard. The x-factor might be the possible return of DeMarre Carroll in the NBA Finals, a player who can harass LeBron on defense. Off the court, the signs are just as telling. The 6ix hosted the All Star game to rave reviews thanks to one of the most entertaining duels in slam dunk contest history. In the NHL, not a single Canadian team is poised to make the playoffs so the Raptors should expect a massive influx of fans here in the coming weeks. However, the team's global brand ambassador, Aubrey Drake Graham, titled his most popular track of the past year "Back to Back." Did that clinch the Warriors another championship? Or was it actually written to foreshadow the moment where it would ironically blare through the Air Canada Centre when the Raptors' pull off a monumental upset?
5. SportsCenter's Intolerable and Ceaseless Coverage
In the time it's taken me to get to this point with my writing, SportsCenter has tweeted about Curry's escapades of today four times. Chris Broussard, Stephen A. Smith, and forty two other analysts have said his name in the time it's taken you to read this sentence deep inside the mothership palace in Bristol, Connecticut. Once the Warriors bow out in the playoffs, ESPN will have to find away to fill 14 hours of coverage a day. But could that be a part of an omniscient plan that will start just in the nick of time for the network to air Tim Tebow's campaign coverage as he becomes the presidential nominee at the contested Republican National Convention (http://time.com/4275653/tim-tebow-running-for-office-politics/)? We'll have to wait and see. (Yes, I know he isn't old enough to be president. But maybe we'll make a constitutional exception as a country when he realize he's a better choice than any alternative)
6. Another Warriors Title Would Ruin the NBA
The last and definitively most important reason the Warriors cannot win another championship is because the entire fabric of the Association would be eradicated and collapse on itself. How can this be, you ask? Follow me for a minute. The Warriors, after completing one of the greatest seasons in sports history, realize their roster is going to go through a state of upheaval because they simply can't resign all their parts. How do they cope with this? By replacing several smaller pieces with a top three player in the NBA by the name of Kevin Durant. The Splash Brothers and Durant form an indomitable big three that wins the West with ease over any other team for several seasons to come. LeBron James, after another failed quest to bring his hometown a championship, bolts to play in the bright lights of a bigger city in the East with his best friends fearing he might never win another title. Carmelo/Dwayne Wade/CP3/LeBron are set on a collision course with Golden State 2.0 and no other storyline in the rest of the NBA matters. The Spurs valiantly fight to stay relevant and add another title to their dynastic run, but the fossils of an again Tim Duncan and Tony Parker are the only signs of a slaughter they can't overcome. Simultaneously, realizing they have absolutely no shot at competing with either team, all other 27 teams in the NBA engage in a Mad Max style tanking battle royale. The NBA standings consist of two 82 win teams, while the next closest competitor finishes more than 55 games back. Ticket representatives for the Pelicans begin paying fans to show up for week night games against the Jazz and Bucks. Charles Barkley spends all his hours in the NBA on TNT studio desperately trying to remember what the league he once played in was like.
So, as unlikely as it is to occur, the universe and any and all possible higher beings must interfere in the happenings of sports over the next two months. The 2015-2016 Warriors will never be forgotten. But a second championship for this beautifully assembled basketball team might just cause the NBA to experience an eternal purgatory from which there is no return to light, hope, and happiness. As basketball fans, there remains only one thing we can do. Pray, plead, and purportedly plaster the Crying Jordan meme on every picture of Steph Curry we can find.
J. Nave
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