Honorable Mention: John Kasich
What was wrong with him, Republican voters?
5. Kanye West
I know he said he didn't want to run until 2020, but why not get him elected as soon as possible? Making a follow up album to The Life of Pablo and fashion shows will soon bore the godly mogul. Leader of the free world would probably pose a few more challenges, and the American people could follow right along on Twitter with the play-by-play rationale behind his sound(?) decisions. Kim Kardashian as First Lady would boost the E! Network's ratings to record numbers. It'll be even better when he announces himself as his running mate. A Kanye cabinet would be such a motley crew of arrogance the rest of the world would have no choice but to recognize American greatness, but there's an chance he names himself to every position in his cabinet, too. He's been a vital figure in getting Panda integrated in our culture these past several weeks. Graduating from the stratosphere of celebrity mecca to the White House? Welcome to the good life, President West.
4. Kobe Bryant
Ever since he dropped 60 in his final NBA game, respect for Kobe Bryant has been at an all time high. His Black Mamba nickname would easily weave together with the "Join or Die" symbol from the American revolution in a time where it would appear our country is desperate for another. Plus, what is Kobe supposed to do in his retirement anyways? He loves the limelight. He doesn't shy away from the big time. He'll stroll into the Middle East and meet the leaders of ISIS face to face. He'll play Putin one on one for control of nuclear access codes in the Far East. He'll talk to every man, woman, and child until their fears about the current status of America are alleviated. He could assemble a council of elders with some of the world's best statesmen, mainly just for show though, because we all know he's not giving them any shot at real responsibility. Shaq as his running mate? Phil Jackson as his running mate? I'm on board with this idea. Kobe will bring championship glory to the nation's capital once again?
3. Adam Silver
The NBA commissioner has only held his position for a brief time, but his reign of power has led to some impressive accomplishments. First, he handled the Donald Sterling issue tremendously (Basically, Sterling was making comments not all too distant from what Trump has been saying on the campaign trail. Now, he no longer owns the Los Angeles Clippers thanks to actions spearheaded by Silver). Then, he came out in support of legalizing sports betting, an issue that is dear and near to my heart and could easily get solved within his first 100 days in office. Granted, Silver's strong resemblance to the male character in the 20th century painting American Gothic doesn't give him the most presidential appearance, but as a country, we should be willing to look past that in the year 2016. He graduated from the University of Chicago Law School and previously worked as a clerk for a United States District Court judge. That alone is almost enough of a resume to seek political office. Us Americans love our sports. Silver is by far the most competent leader we have of a league that is starting to dominate the news headlines all year round and in a much more positive light than the NFL. Adam Silver gives us the best shot at making sure the United States of America starts winning more golds on the global stage.
2. Cersei Lannister
I had a hard time wrestling with the top three picks and deciding who I ultimately wanted to throw my weight behind. Cersei was an infinitesimally close second. The Queen Regent of Westeros hasn't ever been in charge of the Seven Kingdoms, but she's managed to finagle and maintain a position of power where she got her husband killed, manipulated her firstborn son, and appears ready to do the same to her second to rid Kings Landing of her own rabid creation. She has a mountainous, gold clad bodyguard who will and can kill any enemy of hers without exuding any effort. She sits around all day and does nothing but drink wine, and she still manages to advance her political agenda. She walked through the capital completely naked to atone for her sins as she was physically and verbally bombarded. Do you see Trump or Clinton walking across the national mall in a fashion like this?!? Besides her previous relationship with her brother, Cersei is a perfect candidate. She's from a family of political royalty that could rival Bush or Clinton, she's conniving enough to get deals struck in Washington, she has plenty of gold dragons to pay off the national debt, and she'll love this country as much as she loves her children and Cabernet. On a side note, if we elect a fictional candidate president, what exactly happens? Lena Headey is English, so she would technically be unable to hold the position. I firmly believe Cersei, portrayed by Headey and funded by American corporations HBO and Time Warner, should be allowed to protect and serve us from the long winter ahead.
1. Lin-Manuel Miranda
Sometimes the answer is so obvious we almost miss it. If there's a better candidate out there, I dare you to find him or her. Let's run down why:
-He single-handedly created Hamilton. This musical has been 1989 meets Star Wars: The Force Awakens meets Woodstock in terms of the buzz, reach, and commercial success. Track record of improving the country? Check.
-Previously, he created In The Heights, a production that took the theatrical world by storm just to a slightly lesser degree. By no means am I a patron of the arts or a thespian, but I've listened to both soundtracks and thoroughly enjoyed them. Being consistent enough to perform well for two terms? Check.
-Can you imagine Miranda's State of the Union addresses? We'd have to create a new word in our language because lit wouldn't describe them adequately. I would learn so much about the Trans-Pacific Partnership, Iranian nuclear agreements, and national tax code if they were delivered in the fashion of the video above. Ability to captivate an audience? Check.
-At only 36 years old, Miranda could weave together an opera to delight the ears of the American youth who seem to be more interested in politics than ever before, yet his knowledge of the country's history would resonate with older voters. Connecting with his constituents? Check.
-People fork over hundreds of dollars to see Hamilton. Why not expand the show on a global horizon? Within about three months of shows and a bidding war between the most elite and wealthy individuals around the world, the national deficit could feasibly turn into a surplus. A fiscally responsible choice? Yes.
-Is he under investigation from the FBI? Is he one of the least inspiring public speakers to ever seek America's highest office? No.
-Is he prone to making poor decisions with his speech that incite riots? Does he have an awful spray tan paired with awful hair? No.
-Did this whole article start out as satire but gradually convince me Miranda could run against a former Empire State senator and an Empire State businessman and carry New York? Yes.
-Can he win the 2016 Election? Only if we rally behind him and give him the chance he deserves.
#ImWithLin
J. Nave
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