Fifth Annual Super Bowl Prediction (By Previewing Absolutely Nothing Related to Football)

When Alabama battled Georgia in college football's title game, that moment in time seemed destined to be the pinnacle of delirious and rabid fanbases gathering together for a football game in 2018. And possibly, the history of the world. The National Football League, obviously cognizant of a need to replicate an event to compete with that claim, arranged a hold my beer response to give us the Super Bowl clash that awaits us on Sunday.

We could have had the Minnesota Vikings, a franchise known for its playoff plight more than anything else, play in a Super Bowl in their home stadium. We could have had the Jacksonville Jaguars, a franchise known for wallowing in irrelevance during essentially its entire existence, playing in a Super Bowl after going 3-13 last season. Instead, we get a match-up between Philadelphia, a city dangerously close to purging itself after any victory of note, and New England, a region where Super Bowl victories are commonplace, yet their fans still act like they've never been there before.

Regardless, you should know the drill at this point. We'll take a look at several off the field factors to arrive at a robust and scientific analysis for who will win the Super Bowl. For the haters and doubters for which there are many, this method is an extraordinary 2-2 at pegging the winner. Let's get that to an unfathomable 60 percent this year. 

1. Dilly Dilly

Nothing unanimously unites Americans these days, but Bud Light has come about as close as you can get behind their Dilly Dilly campaign. These ads have dominated conversation during the NFL season, and they seem poised to have enough ammunition in the reserves to ensure Doritos and your other favorite Super Bowl advertising stalwarts end the night in the pit of misery. Philly rhymes with Dilly, and you can't dispute the fact that has to mean something. Philadelphia is also home to Wawa, and that's also a silly word that nobody truly understands that's been able to create a fervent obsession. Congratulations Eagles, you're actually getting two points for this category. Go get yourself a hoagie to celebrate making Athletic Acumen Super Bowl prediction history

New England: 0     Philadelphia: 2

2. The Process

Are you familiar with the idea of a polymath? It refers to an individual whose talents and areas of expertise are numerous. Benjamin Franklin, arguably the most important resident in the history of Philadelphia, was one. His many roles (according to the polymath of Internet encyclopedias, Wikipedia) include author, printer, political theorist, politician, freemason, postmaster, scientist, inventor, humorist, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat. 

Philadelphia is currently home to a far more cultured renaissance man by the name of Joel Embiid. His many roles include basketball player, social media troll, on court troll, humorist, pettiness theorist, diplomat to Cameroon, and process inventor. If you find a way to one up one of our country's most legendary individuals, you earn your city's NFL team a point. 

New England: 0     Philadelphia: 3

4. Rob Gronkowski had 69 receptions during the 2017 NFL season. This is the nicest stat in the NFL's nice history, and the most compelling and nicest evidence to date the Patriots are just nicely trolling us all. 

New England: 1     Philadelphia: 3

5. Justin Timberlake

While researching this post, I learned Justin Timberlake is nearly four years younger than Tom Brady. I can't stop the feeling I'm wrestling of whether or not that makes sense or if that's the most unexpected thing I'll learn this year. Tom Brady is getting all the attention for seemingly having no intention of saying bye, bye, bye to football anytime soon at age 40, but Justin Timberlake brought sexy back more than a decade ago and he's still reinventing himself. It's gonna be May(be) his greatest accomplishment to date if his new Memphis inspired album charts well. Ageless wonders will be everywhere in Minneapolis this Sunday, and New England fans can rock their bodies at getting another point.

New England: 2     Philadelphia: 3

6. Amazon

Jeff Bezos' company has been in the news a time or two this year. Most recently, Amazon has been attached to a venture to fix health care, in addition to releasing their list for the 20 cities still in the running to land their second headquarters. Coincidentally both Boston and Philadelphia are finalists. Alexa, did Bezos arrange this Super Bowl to allow for the two cities to compete for his attention on a national stage? I assume we will never know for sure, but I do know Boston is apparently a heavy favorite according to betting markets. Another point for New England. 

New England: 3     Philadelphia: 3

7. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Paddy Pub's motley crew of employees comprise arguably the strongest cast of a comedy this past decade. Not led by any one star, their chemistry, quirkiness, and ingenuity leads to a consistently, tremendous show. However, the show's inability to ever get the recognition and accolades it believes it deserves led it to actually satirize the matter (Season 9's The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award). 

Sans Carson Wentz I feel like you could make the case the Eagles probably feel the same way. After being an underdog twice in a row on their home field, and now combined with New England's star power, you get the feeling few people think Philadelphia stands a chance. Just like Charlie, Dee, Mac, Dennis, and Frank, though, the team marches on delivering strong performance after strong performance. And just like the gang did in The Nightman Cometh, I like their chances to deliver on the biggest stage. 

New England: 3     Philadelphia: 4

8. The 2006 Film, Invincible 

The analogy comparing Nick Foles to Rocky Balboa and Tom Brady to Ivan Drago would have been too easy to make. In case, I want to focus on another sports movie centered on Philadelphia. Based on the true story of Vince Papale, Invincible is a manifestation of the blue collar attitude associated with the city. 

Here's the issue, though. Mark Wahlberg was cast to play Papale in the movie. A man who bleeds clam chowder. A man who exudes a little too much Masshole. A man who left Super Bowl 51 early even though he's a diehard Patriots fan. In fact, let's dock both teams a point for their association with him. 

New England: 2     Philadelphia: 3

9. The Game of Thrones Angle Literally Nobody Has Noticed

-Fact: Minneapolis won their Super Bowl bid behind a campaign marketing themselves as the north, which they correctly believed would get a boost from the resounding success of Game of Thrones. Thus, the Vikings became the Kings in the North.

-Fact: Philadelphia players and fans have worn dog masks in the past few weeks to embrace their underdog roles. Including when they defeated the Kings in the North who were forced to travel south to what they thought would be lands of familial love. After the Red Wedding and following important conquests in the future, House Bolton made it a point to pride around in direwolf heads.

-Fact: Philadelphia is now travelling north to invade the Kings of the North palatial home. House Bolton decided to claim the Stark's fortress of Winterfell for their own.

-Fact: The Kings of the North eventually took back their home against the sadistic Bolton's forces. 

That seems like a foolproof, surface level theory proving the Philadelphia Eagles are House Bolton. That means some member of the Vikings (My bet is Teddy Bridgewater, who I think you could make the case is equal parts Arya and Jon Stark after his past eighteen months) is going to find a way to kill every last member of the Eagles' 53 man roster to let House Stark reclaim its home. That would make it easy for the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. The Eagles got two points for one category earlier, and I'm giving the Patriots the knockout win as a result of these eerie circumstances. I regret not dedicating 5,000 words to expanding on this. I'm basically passing up on a Pulitzer. 

New England: 4     Philadelphia: 3

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: New England: 28     Philadelphia: 24

J. Nave

  

Tua Tagovailoa's Accomplishments Are Fake News

If a 22 year old writes a blog that he advertises solely on his Facebook page, is he a part of the mainstream media? I'm hoping the answer to that rhetorical question is yes. Because if it isn't, what I've written below no longer serves its purpose as vehemently campaigning for an award The Athletic Acumen so desperately needs: The Most Dishonest and Corrupt Media Award for Sports Blogging.

Alabama's (former) backup quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, is now a legend in Tuscaloosa even if he never completes another pass in his career. When you win a national championship with a walk off touchdown in overtime against a conference rival, you're entitled to never pay for a drink near your college campus for the rest of your life (Of course not until he graduates, though... And of course not until he turns 21, too).

Here's the thing, though. Why are we so quick to praise Tagovailoa? His game winning throw was made on a play I mastered by the time I was ten years old thanks to the NCAA Football video games: Four Verticals.

Watch the replay from behind Tagovailoa, fellas. It should look familiar from your Xbox or PlayStation days. I could've gone in there, "looked off" the safety, and dropped a dime to the receiver the defense inevitably fails to properly cover (Normally, it's the tight end over the middle for the record). This play should be called on every down. It can't be stopped, no matter how the defense opts to counter it. I attempted to stop it for thousands of hours with every coverage scheme you can possibly call. I won Heisman trophies for mediocre tight ends with this play. I beat programs like Notre Dame, Florida, and Texas with the University of Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks with this play. I believe any guy in between the ages of 18-33 could've beat the Dawgs if put in Tagovailoa's shoes after calling this play.

Also, from a narrative perspective, why are we acting like Tagovailoa is a unicorn? He brings nothing new to the table. He's essentially a recycled combination of three of the biggest stars in the past decade of college football all rolled together, and the saying is not one man's trash is the same man's treasure.

A left handed quarterback with the initials of T.T. who isn't shy about sharing his faith? Tim Tebow already made three careers out of this act. A humble leader in the huddle from Hawaii who displays more poise than most of his peers? Marcus Mariota already bores millions of football fans in between his fewer and farther between flashes of brilliance. A backup quarterback who leads his team to a championship? Cardale Jones was a third string quarterback when the season began, started three games to lead his team to a title, and learned how to play school in the process. A common adage is if you have two quarterbacks you actually don't have one. So if you have three media narratives, don't you truly lack any semblance of an entertaining personality?

Most importantly, not enough people are questioning whether Tagovailoa is about to be responsible for the decline of the Alabama dynasty. Nick Saban declared after the game he'd never been happier in his life. I'm concerned by this because he let himself crack quite the exuberant soft smile at least a half dozen times in the post game celebration. Just maybe he was being serious?

This is a man who is obsessed with winning. This is a man whose middle name is relentless. This is a man who I think may have stored Tagovailoa on his bench the whole season only to unveil his own Keyser Soze level plot twist on the college football world when his team needed it most. 

But did it backfire on him? Has he become soft after seeing just how powerful this trump card was? Is he about to find a higher calling in life? We may not get our answer until the fall, but what if the Crimson Tide rolls into Oxford, Fayetteville, or Knoxville and loses next year after an undisciplined week of practice? What if this was the pinnacle moment and crown jewel for Saban's football career? We may look back on January 8th, 2018 as Nick Saban's rat poison. People forget he hasn't won a national championship following Tagovailoa's heroics. 

You're probably thinking this is far-fetched, and I wouldn't blame you. However, do you remember where I said Tagovailoa was from a few paragraphs ago? The Hawaiian Islands have a tradition in their culture where the same word functions to say hello and good bye. Sure, Tagovailoa may have said aloha to the whole country and championship glory on Monday night. But he may have also given college football's kingpin an epiphany that it's now time to walk away and say aloha to the living rooms of 17 year old kids around the country.

Tua Tagovailoa has only played thirty decent minutes of football in his life, yet the media wants you to believe he's won three Heisman trophies and broken every record in the history of the sport. This is a joke. He is a fraud. If he wants to prove me wrong, he can start with winning the starting job in spring ball. 

J. Nave