Don't Make Joe Burrow Go Back to Ohi-eaux

Last summer a Spongebob watching, Matthew Dellavedova loving, perfectly mediocre quarterback embarked on a campaign with a simple message: LSU was finally going to have an offense. They were going to score 40, 50, sometimes 60 points when they took the field. They were going to unleash this offense on the mighty SEC thanks to a mysterious coach that learned under Sean Payton.

Everybody essentially treated Joey Burrow like he was doing his best Pinhead Larry impression.

It took about three months for us to realize we should have listened to the man. 

The cigar smoking, cocky hat wearing, newly crowned King of the Bayou deservedly took some time to revel in the Superdome on Monday night after dispatching Clemson. You can do that after throwing 60 touchdown passes, winning the Heisman, and authoring one of the most dominant seasons in college football history. You can do that when you take yourself from a fringe NFL Draft prospect to the consensus first overall pick. Joe Burrow can do whatever the hell he wants in Louisiana for the rest of his life. This image from the locker room should be the groundwork for his statue in Baton Rouge.

Large swaths of football fans probably believe in destiny thanks to the circumstances that brought Ed Orgeron, then Joe Burrow, and finally Joe Brady to Baton Rouge this fall. I, and many others, became Tiger fans because the story became more and more impossible to root against. After their unbelievable season, Joe Brady is heading back to the NFC South to be the NFL's youngest offensive coordinator and Joe Burrow seems all but guaranteed to become a Cincinnati Bengal. 

Here's the thing, though. We can't let that happen.

Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for one of the worst owners in professional sports who will 100% not sign him to a second deal if he plays well on his rookie contract because he's notoriously cheap. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in what is regularly the least attended football stadium in the NFL (The Chargers playing in a soccer stadium don't count). Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for a team that injured its best player in embarrassing fashion in 2019. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in a city where he doesn't enjoy its staple food. I deserve better than having to watch the six coaches that the Cleveland Browns will have in the 2020s try to figure out Lamar Jackson and Joe Burrow four times every fall. 

There are nearly 100 days until the NFL Draft which gives us time to find a way to see that the surefire number one pick is either taken by some team other than the Bengals or precipitously falls in the draft.

I'm choosing to ignore the message of The Witcher. We're going to fight destiny as hard and as creatively as possible, consequences be damned. 

Here are a few options:

1) A complete and thorough character assassination of Joe Burrow: I thought it would take until at least February for this to be on the table. After all this man raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for his impoverished hometown. But as I wrote this, Steve Young went on the air to say Joe Burrow smoking a cigar and admitting he was hungover the day after the National Championship is worrisome. I predict next that a former general manager will say Joe Burrow's dream of winning a national championship, rather than dreaming of being a NFL quarterback, should be a red flag for teams before Valentine's Day. Accusations of being a system quarterback are a guarantee to come from a career backup quarterback on ESPN before the combine. I think this might be our best bet. 

2) Tua Tagovailoa gets healthy ahead of schedule: Back when Joe Burrow was going around making those ridiculous claims about LSU's offense, the Miami Dolphins were getting ready to embark on their season with a singular goal: Tank for Tua. Alabama's quarterback suffered an ankle injury in October and a devastating hip injury in November which put his draft status in limbo (Meanwhile, the Miami Dolphins went full Fitzpatrick and won five games because that's what happens when you go full Fitzpatrick. They now seem to be in a great position to still draft Tua). All signs point to Tagovailoa making strides in his recovery. Perhaps a stellar workout could convince the Bengals to opt for the other SEC West legend? A city with sin in its name twice could use a guy like Tua, who aims to have a much bigger legacy off the football field with his faith. 

3) Get Cincinnati to trade back after they fall in love with Jake Fromm: This is a joke, but I think Jake Fromm's ceiling in the NFL is Andy Dalton and it would be absolutely hilarious for at best Andy Dalton 2.0 to take over for the original thing. 

4) David Tepper makes an offer the Bengals can't refuse: Since buying the Carolina Panthers, the NFL's richest owner has been on a spending spree. Tepper orchestrated an arrangement with the South Carolina government to get public funds for a state of the art training facility. He paid a record expansion fee to bring a MLS team to Charlotte. He convinced the North Carolina government to give money towards a renovation of Bank of America Stadium for soccer aesthetics, even though he's eyeing a billion dollar replacement to be built before 2030. He gave Matt Rhule such an exorbitant contract that he angered a majority of NFL owners. He poached the aforementioned Joe Brady from LSU for a still undisclosed amount of money. 

All this is to say I find it hard to believe David Tepper is going to have Cam Newton continue to lead his franchise, as Newton is on the wrong side of 30 with plenty of injury concerns. With Luke Kuechly's retirement and Greg Olsen possibly moving into a studio analysts role, all signs would point to an amicable departure for the former NFL MVP. I find it even harder to believe David Tepper is going to be happy with his team drafting Justin Herbert to replace Newton. I find it next to impossible to believe David Tepper would entrust Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, or any other free agent quarterback to replace Newton

Make the talent depleted Bengals an offer with a half dozen draft picks and reconnect the wunderkind with his prized quarterback. 

5) Enlist Ed Orgeron to make a plea for Joe Burrow to follow in his dad's footsteps: Like I mentioned earlier, Joe Burrow grew up in a family that revolved around college football. His dad was a longtime coach, and LSU is in need of a replacement on their offensive staff. LSU boosters would buy Burrow the nicest house in Baton Rouge. This would most importantly keep the Coach O+Joe Burrow buddy comedy alive and well for the next 20 years. I know I would watch a show where the two of them go to Mardi Gras together. I would pay to watch them fight a couple of gators. As the locals say, "Laissez les bons temps rouler."

6) Convince the Bengals that Andy Dalton will take a Ryan Tannehill leap next year: We're talking about the franchise that kept Marvin Lewis for 16 seasons. Surely we can convince them to resign Andy Dalton to a below market deal and give him another chance or two... or ten... at getting that elusive playoff win.

I'll admit all these plans are long shots. The Bengals' front office is probably salivating at the money they'll earn in #9 jersey sales this summer. There will be plenty of hype videos making Joe Burrow out to be the LeBron James of Southern Ohio leading up to next fall.

But if LSU can find an offense, we can find a way to make one of these plans happen. Joe Burrow is too cool for Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Like way too cool. 

J. Nave 

2019 Was the Worst Year of My Decade.... As a Football Fan

If you're like me, you've spent the past couple weeks digesting a lot of decade in review content. One of my favorite December traditions is watching year in review videos, so the nostalgia this go round has been especially potent with the longer walk down memory lane.

The final month of the decade has also served as a reminder that ten years is a long time. In the sports world, it's basically an eternity. LeBron James started the decade with The Decision, came back to Cleveland and won a title, and he now seems destined to start the 2020s making a run at a championship in Los Angeles. Tiger Woods started the decade fighting off scandal and back surgeries and ended it winning another green jacket. So many others introduced or reintroduced themselves and created moments that fans will remember forever.

Unfortunately for some football fans, like myself, the 2010s resulted in far more losses than wins. I would consider myself a leader in that camp because of more than just the sheer number of losses. It was the magnitude of a few of the most painful losses. The disbelief at the most stunning losses. The complete lack of potential of many of the teams I supported. Let's go back to the beginning and start on the collegiate level.

It all started in 2011 when my hometown Ohio State Buckeyes became embroiled in the landmark scandal throughout college football history (Please read this with heavy sarcasm. The fact that free tattoos got so much press in hindsight remains one of the most glaring ways the NCAA's model has soured over the past ten years). They would compile a 6-7 record the following fall which remains the only season the program has had a losing record this millennium.

I traded in the Buckeyes for the South Carolina Gamecocks in 2013. Coming off of Jadaveon Clowney's heroics in the Outback Bowl and consecutive 11 win seasons, it seemed like I was jumping on board at the perfect time. My new team would win eleven games again that year, but I was there in person when they lost in Athens to Georgia. This miraculous catch in Knoxville would ultimately rob the Gamecocks from playing in the SEC Championship where I adamantly believe they would have beaten Auburn and had the chance to go to the national championship game. You will not convince me otherwise.

The next preseason would be the last time South Carolina registered a blip on the national radar. A beat down at the hands of Texas A&M, which was the first game broadcast on the SEC Network, was as a friend puts it, "the day the music died." The Gamecocks would end up 7-6 in 2014, 3-9 (with a loss to The Citadel after the resignation of Steve Spurrier) in 2015, 6-7 in 2016, 9-4 in 2017 (Not a bad record, but it led to way to high hopes getting obliterated the next fall), and 7-6 in 2018.

As for my professional football fortunes? As Arthur Fleck said in Joker, "I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it’s a comedy." The Cleveland Browns were the only team in the NFL to not have a winning season during the 2010s. While the quarterback play got progressively better, the head coaches got comically worse. The list of first round busts is simply too painful to relitigate. The team went 1-15 and 0-16 in consecutive season. We don't talk enough about how the one game the Cleveland Browns won over two years was all because a blocked and then a missed field goal in the final five minutes!

All of this misfortune, heartbreak, and agony was supposed to end in the fall of 2019. It did not. All three were amplified.

South Carolina was slated to face one of the toughest schedules in college football, but Will Muschamp had his most talented team during his tenure. Jake Bentley was going to shatter every record at the quarterback position. The team would go toe-to-toe with Alabama, Georgia, and Clemson, and the next decade would begin with steadfast belief in the team's trajectory.

South Carolina lost their season opener to a North Carolina team with a true freshman making his first career start. If that wasn't bad enough, our own quarterback suffered a season ending injury. If that wasn't bad enough, Mack Brown's celebratory dancing went viral. The following three months consisted of any shred of momentum being crushed by all sorts of forces:

1) Ryan Hilinski showed incredible poise and moxie in his first two starts against Charleston Southern and Alabama, but the team and university's devotion to his family's mission to advance dialogues around mental health was the biggest highlight. After a banged up Hilinski struggled on the road against Missouri, though, Columbia South Carolina's local newspaper ran one of the most tone deaf headlines of the decade.

                              

2) South Carolina pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the season by beating Georgia, but Hilinski was knocked out of the game with a leg injury. Rumors swirled about the extent of his condition, and after the season, conflicting reports made it impossible for the casual fan to understand the severity of what the freshman quarterback actually battled for weeks. Other injuries plaguing the teams led to the strength and conditioning coach being dismissed following the season. Bryan Edwards, the team's leading receiver, found himself in a similar position to Jake Bentley losing the opportunity to break more records at his position.

3) The Gamecocks would attempt to build off the momentous win the following week, but in one of many examples of horrific officiating across the sport this fall, ultimately came up short against Florida.

4) South Carolina's only win after the Georgia game would be over Vanderbilt's third string quarterback in early November. The team's other home games that month saw disheartening efforts against Appalachian State and Clemson where opposing fanbases took over the stadium in the fourth quarter.

What began with hopes of a decisive springboard to vault the program back towards the top half of the SEC ended with a 4-8 finish with much of the fanbase wanting Will Muschamp fired.

This would have been a hard pill to swallow if I wasn't concurrently following the last twelve months of the Cleveland Browns. I'm not even going to pretend I summarized everything because there were so many storylines in 2019 I'm bound to have forgotten a few of them.

The offseason saw the Browns hire Freddie Kitchens, the blue collar NFL vet who unleashed Baker Mayfield in the second half of 2018. He says and embodies all the right things to initiate himself with Cleveland's ethos. John Dorsey trades for Odell Beckham Jr., the most electric wide receiver in the NFL. They acquire Olivier Vernon and Sheldon Richardson to build one of the most stout defensive lines in the NFL. Some pundits claim the Browns are now America's team. Media outlets run article after article claiming the Browns will accomplish everything from winning the division to making the Super Bowl.

Then, the season started. From September 8th through December 29th, it was as if every major character engaged in a "Hold my beer!" off with one another.

1) Myles Garrett: Gets thrown out of the first game against the Titans for throwing a punch. Gets thrown out of a November contest against the Steelers for assault and borderline attempted murder. Currently he finds himself suspended indefinitely.

2) Baker Mayfield: Calls out the Giants for drafting Daniel Jones. Films a couple of Progressive commercials. Calls out Rex Ryan. Films another Progressive commercials. Shaves his facial hair three times in one day. Films a couple of Hulu commercials. Gets turned into a meme. Films a couple more Progressive commercials. Engages with a vendor in Cincinnati after losing to the 1-14 Bengals. Films another Progressive commercial.

3) Odell Beckham Jr.: Gets in trouble with the NFL for wearing improper cleats. Tells every opposing team to "come get him."

4) Freddie Kitchens: Where do we begin? The soft spoken, blue collar NFL vet said all the right things during the offseason only to make it abundantly clear from the first game he was in over his head. He repeatedly said he didn't coach penalties despite the fact the team was incapable of not committing penalties. He called a draw play on 4th and 9. He could not score in the red zone with one of the most talent laden offenses in the NFL. He instructed an intentional false start to turn a 4th and 11 into a 4th and 16. He refused to relinquish any control over the offense. He admitted he didn't consult statistics. He got into several altercations with the team's best players on the sidelines during the final weeks of the season.

What began with hopes of establishing the Browns as a contender and Baker Mayfield as a dynamic franchise quarterback ended with a 6-10 record and yet another search for a coach and general manager to maximize their quarterback.

To add insult to injury, my childhood team couldn't beat my alma mater's arch rival after one of the biggest "what if" games in recent college football history (Included in the numerous what ifs were some very questionable officiating because that's basically a given at this point). I also couldn't even make my fantasy football championship after drafting Lamar Jackson, Chris Godwin, Josh Jacobs, and Mark Andrews.

Will 2020 and the decade ahead be any better? It certainly will be tough to be any worse. I'd love for my professional football team to have a quarterback that exemplifies the same maturity as my college football team. I'd love for an adult with head coaching experience at the helm in Cleveland. I'd love for Jordan Burch and MarShawn Lloyd to make an immediate impact for South Carolina in the fall.

As I type this, though, I'm reading rumors the Browns might hire Urban Meyer. I'm reminding myself Jordan Burch hasn't signed his letter of intent. It took one day after watching the majestic sights of the Rose Bowl to lose all my romanticism about football.

So for now, I guess I'm just praying. Praying Joe Burrow hangs 70 points on Clemson's defense again and shuts Dabo Swinney up... At least for a couple of minutes.

J. Nave