1. Deflategate/Ballghazi
The higher-ups at ESPN must be readers of this blog because I can't think of a single more ridiculous intangible than under inflated footballs causing a team to win a game by 38 points. Tom Brady could have used a t-shirt cannon or slingshot and performed the same onslaught through the air. LeGarrette Blount could have ran through the Colts defense with his legs tied together. General Andrew Luck would have still lost if his troops were armed with UMP45s. The Patriots have a history of questionable ethics. The story and subsequent lies should not have come as a surprise!
But you see, the media's got it all wrong. Neither Tom Brady nor Bill Belichick gave the order to deflate the balls. It was Pete Carroll! It's no secret Carroll employed less than questionable methods during his tenure at Southern Cal. Reggie Bush had a Heisman trophy taken away? Scholarship sanctions for multiple years? The hole he dug the Trojan program in is why he went to Seattle after all. So, Pete got smart. Knowing the Colts would get run out of the stadium, he paid an associate to fly to Boston and start the media crazed scandal that has taught us all valuable information about PSI. Belichick hasn't had time to game plan for Marshawn Lynch. Tom Brady hasn't made a trip to the mall in weeks, and he has no new outfit to wear in Glendale. It truly was one of the greatest tactical maneuvers I've ever witnessed, and it has made me question whether Pete Carroll is the Frank Underwood of our actual universe. Nicely done, Pete!
Seattle: 1 New England: 0
2. Rob Gronkowski
Yes, I know Gronkowski is a football player for the Patriots. Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to talk about football. But Gronk warrants his own section. The things he can do on a football field couldn't be accomplished with even the coolest glitch in Madden. Off the field, the man is JJ Watt with a personality. What more could be desired out of a football player? He has broken the hearts of (we'll keep this PG) "adult film" starts. He can be seen in the Entourage movie trailer drinking a beer, through a bong, poured by teammate Julian Edelman (Russell Wilson will also appear in the movie!). He parties like Johnny Manziel, yet still manages to be one of the greatest players at his position of all time. He is a 6'6", 265 pound, self-proclaimed child. His tweets are fire. He is Rob Gronkowski, and he's the most interesting man in football.
Seattle: 1 New England: 1
3. Marshawn Lynch
In 99% of football games, Rob Gronkowski would by far be the most intriguing character. However, the Super Bowl is in that rare 1% because of Marshawn Lynch. Like Gronk, Beast Mode can do some freakish things on the football field. This year, though, his antics while interacting with the media have been generating the headlines. I side with Lynch's behavior. I think you could make the case Marshawn is exactly what the NFL needs: A figure head to make a mockery out of Roger Goodell and some of the NFL's policies. Why should Lynch be forced to step in front of a microphone every single week when Goodell can arrange his own disastrous press conferences to talk about incidents like Ray Rice's several months back? Why should the media be forced to listen to him give the same answer to every question for five minutes when reporters could gain insight from another Seahawk? Roger Goodell and the NFL have taken a lot of deserved criticism the past year, and proclamations, like the one to throw Lynch out for wearing gold cleats during the NFC Championship, are just adding fuel to the fire. Let your players play, Roger. They're making you millions of dollars a year. Quit continuing to take advantage of one of the most powerful positions in all of sports. Marshawn's (and once again, we'll keep it PG) "a certain Big Sean song" attitude gives Seattle another point.
"Shout out Oakland, California"
"Shout out Westbrook"
"Shout out my teammates"
"Shout out to my real Africans out there"
- Marshawn Lynch
Seattle: 2 New England: 1
4. Coffee vs. Chowdah
It's no secret Seattle is the birthplace of Starbucks. PSLs. Frappuccinos. Tall, Grande, and Venti. The coffee shop's Evergreen State roots were the beginning of the empire we all know today. You can find their products in your town, on your campus, and in your grocery store. A Starbucks' gold card is an achievement sought after by many members in our society. Some stores even sell wine to entice you to stay there all day. Amateur bloggers set up camp at local shops for hours at a time trying to have their espresso fueled insights launch a career towards literary stardom. What this all basically boils down to is the fact that Starbucks is a big deal.
On the other side of the United States, though, there is a far more potent and underrated liquid. A heavenly broth filled with succulent clams and potatoes that has been crafted and re-crafted towards ever closer perfection in New England since the dawn of time. Of course, I'm talking about clam chodaw. Not chowder. Chodaw. Your cup of Campbell's is one thing. Some authentic, Bostonian chodaw, however, will change your culinary life for the better. It's not taking over every street corner in America like it's cocoa opponent, but it definitely could. New Englanders, raise your pint of Sam Adams and give yourself a celebratory toast. You just tied this contest back up.
Seattle: 2 New England: 2
5. The Katy Perry Factor
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again? Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin like a house of cards one blow from caving in? If you answered yes to either of those questions, football is not the game for you. If you sang those questions to yourself, you definitely made the right decision, as Katy Perry will be performing at halftime this year! Over the past several years, whether you're a fan or not, you must concede the fact Perry has been a pop radio mainstay. Does her career make her Super Bowl performance worthy? Definitely more debatable. This past fall Perry appeared on College GameDay and upstaged Lee Freakin' Corso with corn dogs and revealing a crush on Trevor Knight, the quarterback at Oklahoma. Since it appears Katy has a thing for attractive quarterbacks and bizarre men (She was married to Russell Brand for a couple years), it looks like she will be pulling for the Ugg boot stepping, trenchcoat wearing, Michigan scum Tom Brady. Don't worry though, Russell. When Taylor Swift inevitably gets the nod in 2016, the queen of heartbreak will be rooting for more tears. You'll just have to get your team back to a third straight Super Bowl of course.
New England: 3 Seattle: 2
6. American History
It goes without saying Boston, Massachusetts has played a much larger role in our nation's history than Seattle, Washington. People in Seattle make pots of hot tea, bundle up inside for 300 rainy days every year, and watch Sleepless in Seattle and Grey's Anatomy for entertainment. Patriots from Boston stormed British ships, poured barrels of tea in the Boston Harbor, and started a revolution and war to found the United States of America. New England dominates this category.
New England: 4 Seattle: 2
GAME, SET, MATCH! New England claims the best of seven series, and we avoid the Game Seven speed round we had to go to last year. It looks like the Legion of Boom won't be able to stop the Patriots' offense much this Sunday. Another slow start, like the one against Green Bay, dooms the Seahawks, and the Patriots win Super Bowl XLIX.
Score Prediction: New England- 31 Seattle- 21
J. Nave
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