Fantasy

 

Don't Make Joe Burrow Go Back to Ohi-eaux

Last summer a Spongebob watching, Matthew Dellavedova loving, perfectly mediocre quarterback embarked on a campaign with a simple message: LSU was finally going to have an offense. They were going to score 40, 50, sometimes 60 points when they took the field. They were going to unleash this offense on the mighty SEC thanks to a mysterious coach that learned under Sean Payton.

Everybody essentially treated Joey Burrow like he was doing his best Pinhead Larry impression.

It took about three months for us to realize we should have listened to the man. 

The cigar smoking, cocky hat wearing, newly crowned King of the Bayou deservedly took some time to revel in the Superdome on Monday night after dispatching Clemson. You can do that after throwing 60 touchdown passes, winning the Heisman, and authoring one of the most dominant seasons in college football history. You can do that when you take yourself from a fringe NFL Draft prospect to the consensus first overall pick. Joe Burrow can do whatever the hell he wants in Louisiana for the rest of his life. This image from the locker room should be the groundwork for his statue in Baton Rouge.

Large swaths of football fans probably believe in destiny thanks to the circumstances that brought Ed Orgeron, then Joe Burrow, and finally Joe Brady to Baton Rouge this fall. I, and many others, became Tiger fans because the story became more and more impossible to root against. After their unbelievable season, Joe Brady is heading back to the NFC South to be the NFL's youngest offensive coordinator and Joe Burrow seems all but guaranteed to become a Cincinnati Bengal. 

Here's the thing, though. We can't let that happen.

Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for one of the worst owners in professional sports who will 100% not sign him to a second deal if he plays well on his rookie contract because he's notoriously cheap. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in what is regularly the least attended football stadium in the NFL (The Chargers playing in a soccer stadium don't count). Joe Burrow deserves better than to play for a team that injured its best player in embarrassing fashion in 2019. Joe Burrow deserves better than to play in a city where he doesn't enjoy its staple food. I deserve better than having to watch the six coaches that the Cleveland Browns will have in the 2020s try to figure out Lamar Jackson and Joe Burrow four times every fall. 

There are nearly 100 days until the NFL Draft which gives us time to find a way to see that the surefire number one pick is either taken by some team other than the Bengals or precipitously falls in the draft.

I'm choosing to ignore the message of The Witcher. We're going to fight destiny as hard and as creatively as possible, consequences be damned. 

Here are a few options:

1) A complete and thorough character assassination of Joe Burrow: I thought it would take until at least February for this to be on the table. After all this man raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for his impoverished hometown. But as I wrote this, Steve Young went on the air to say Joe Burrow smoking a cigar and admitting he was hungover the day after the National Championship is worrisome. I predict next that a former general manager will say Joe Burrow's dream of winning a national championship, rather than dreaming of being a NFL quarterback, should be a red flag for teams before Valentine's Day. Accusations of being a system quarterback are a guarantee to come from a career backup quarterback on ESPN before the combine. I think this might be our best bet. 

2) Tua Tagovailoa gets healthy ahead of schedule: Back when Joe Burrow was going around making those ridiculous claims about LSU's offense, the Miami Dolphins were getting ready to embark on their season with a singular goal: Tank for Tua. Alabama's quarterback suffered an ankle injury in October and a devastating hip injury in November which put his draft status in limbo (Meanwhile, the Miami Dolphins went full Fitzpatrick and won five games because that's what happens when you go full Fitzpatrick. They now seem to be in a great position to still draft Tua). All signs point to Tagovailoa making strides in his recovery. Perhaps a stellar workout could convince the Bengals to opt for the other SEC West legend? A city with sin in its name twice could use a guy like Tua, who aims to have a much bigger legacy off the football field with his faith. 

3) Get Cincinnati to trade back after they fall in love with Jake Fromm: This is a joke, but I think Jake Fromm's ceiling in the NFL is Andy Dalton and it would be absolutely hilarious for at best Andy Dalton 2.0 to take over for the original thing. 

4) David Tepper makes an offer the Bengals can't refuse: Since buying the Carolina Panthers, the NFL's richest owner has been on a spending spree. Tepper orchestrated an arrangement with the South Carolina government to get public funds for a state of the art training facility. He paid a record expansion fee to bring a MLS team to Charlotte. He convinced the North Carolina government to give money towards a renovation of Bank of America Stadium for soccer aesthetics, even though he's eyeing a billion dollar replacement to be built before 2030. He gave Matt Rhule such an exorbitant contract that he angered a majority of NFL owners. He poached the aforementioned Joe Brady from LSU for a still undisclosed amount of money. 

All this is to say I find it hard to believe David Tepper is going to have Cam Newton continue to lead his franchise, as Newton is on the wrong side of 30 with plenty of injury concerns. With Luke Kuechly's retirement and Greg Olsen possibly moving into a studio analysts role, all signs would point to an amicable departure for the former NFL MVP. I find it even harder to believe David Tepper is going to be happy with his team drafting Justin Herbert to replace Newton. I find it next to impossible to believe David Tepper would entrust Teddy Bridgewater, Marcus Mariota, or any other free agent quarterback to replace Newton

Make the talent depleted Bengals an offer with a half dozen draft picks and reconnect the wunderkind with his prized quarterback. 

5) Enlist Ed Orgeron to make a plea for Joe Burrow to follow in his dad's footsteps: Like I mentioned earlier, Joe Burrow grew up in a family that revolved around college football. His dad was a longtime coach, and LSU is in need of a replacement on their offensive staff. LSU boosters would buy Burrow the nicest house in Baton Rouge. This would most importantly keep the Coach O+Joe Burrow buddy comedy alive and well for the next 20 years. I know I would watch a show where the two of them go to Mardi Gras together. I would pay to watch them fight a couple of gators. As the locals say, "Laissez les bons temps rouler."

6) Convince the Bengals that Andy Dalton will take a Ryan Tannehill leap next year: We're talking about the franchise that kept Marvin Lewis for 16 seasons. Surely we can convince them to resign Andy Dalton to a below market deal and give him another chance or two... or ten... at getting that elusive playoff win.

I'll admit all these plans are long shots. The Bengals' front office is probably salivating at the money they'll earn in #9 jersey sales this summer. There will be plenty of hype videos making Joe Burrow out to be the LeBron James of Southern Ohio leading up to next fall.

But if LSU can find an offense, we can find a way to make one of these plans happen. Joe Burrow is too cool for Cincinnati, Ohio. 

Like way too cool. 

J. Nave 

2019 Was the Worst Year of My Decade.... As a Football Fan

If you're like me, you've spent the past couple weeks digesting a lot of decade in review content. One of my favorite December traditions is watching year in review videos, so the nostalgia this go round has been especially potent with the longer walk down memory lane.

The final month of the decade has also served as a reminder that ten years is a long time. In the sports world, it's basically an eternity. LeBron James started the decade with The Decision, came back to Cleveland and won a title, and he now seems destined to start the 2020s making a run at a championship in Los Angeles. Tiger Woods started the decade fighting off scandal and back surgeries and ended it winning another green jacket. So many others introduced or reintroduced themselves and created moments that fans will remember forever.

Unfortunately for some football fans, like myself, the 2010s resulted in far more losses than wins. I would consider myself a leader in that camp because of more than just the sheer number of losses. It was the magnitude of a few of the most painful losses. The disbelief at the most stunning losses. The complete lack of potential of many of the teams I supported. Let's go back to the beginning and start on the collegiate level.

It all started in 2011 when my hometown Ohio State Buckeyes became embroiled in the landmark scandal throughout college football history (Please read this with heavy sarcasm. The fact that free tattoos got so much press in hindsight remains one of the most glaring ways the NCAA's model has soured over the past ten years). They would compile a 6-7 record the following fall which remains the only season the program has had a losing record this millennium.

I traded in the Buckeyes for the South Carolina Gamecocks in 2013. Coming off of Jadaveon Clowney's heroics in the Outback Bowl and consecutive 11 win seasons, it seemed like I was jumping on board at the perfect time. My new team would win eleven games again that year, but I was there in person when they lost in Athens to Georgia. This miraculous catch in Knoxville would ultimately rob the Gamecocks from playing in the SEC Championship where I adamantly believe they would have beaten Auburn and had the chance to go to the national championship game. You will not convince me otherwise.

The next preseason would be the last time South Carolina registered a blip on the national radar. A beat down at the hands of Texas A&M, which was the first game broadcast on the SEC Network, was as a friend puts it, "the day the music died." The Gamecocks would end up 7-6 in 2014, 3-9 (with a loss to The Citadel after the resignation of Steve Spurrier) in 2015, 6-7 in 2016, 9-4 in 2017 (Not a bad record, but it led to way to high hopes getting obliterated the next fall), and 7-6 in 2018.

As for my professional football fortunes? As Arthur Fleck said in Joker, "I used to think that my life was a tragedy, but now I realize, it’s a comedy." The Cleveland Browns were the only team in the NFL to not have a winning season during the 2010s. While the quarterback play got progressively better, the head coaches got comically worse. The list of first round busts is simply too painful to relitigate. The team went 1-15 and 0-16 in consecutive season. We don't talk enough about how the one game the Cleveland Browns won over two years was all because a blocked and then a missed field goal in the final five minutes!

All of this misfortune, heartbreak, and agony was supposed to end in the fall of 2019. It did not. All three were amplified.

South Carolina was slated to face one of the toughest schedules in college football, but Will Muschamp had his most talented team during his tenure. Jake Bentley was going to shatter every record at the quarterback position. The team would go toe-to-toe with Alabama, Georgia, and Clemson, and the next decade would begin with steadfast belief in the team's trajectory.

South Carolina lost their season opener to a North Carolina team with a true freshman making his first career start. If that wasn't bad enough, our own quarterback suffered a season ending injury. If that wasn't bad enough, Mack Brown's celebratory dancing went viral. The following three months consisted of any shred of momentum being crushed by all sorts of forces:

1) Ryan Hilinski showed incredible poise and moxie in his first two starts against Charleston Southern and Alabama, but the team and university's devotion to his family's mission to advance dialogues around mental health was the biggest highlight. After a banged up Hilinski struggled on the road against Missouri, though, Columbia South Carolina's local newspaper ran one of the most tone deaf headlines of the decade.

                              

2) South Carolina pulled off one of the biggest upsets of the season by beating Georgia, but Hilinski was knocked out of the game with a leg injury. Rumors swirled about the extent of his condition, and after the season, conflicting reports made it impossible for the casual fan to understand the severity of what the freshman quarterback actually battled for weeks. Other injuries plaguing the teams led to the strength and conditioning coach being dismissed following the season. Bryan Edwards, the team's leading receiver, found himself in a similar position to Jake Bentley losing the opportunity to break more records at his position.

3) The Gamecocks would attempt to build off the momentous win the following week, but in one of many examples of horrific officiating across the sport this fall, ultimately came up short against Florida.

4) South Carolina's only win after the Georgia game would be over Vanderbilt's third string quarterback in early November. The team's other home games that month saw disheartening efforts against Appalachian State and Clemson where opposing fanbases took over the stadium in the fourth quarter.

What began with hopes of a decisive springboard to vault the program back towards the top half of the SEC ended with a 4-8 finish with much of the fanbase wanting Will Muschamp fired.

This would have been a hard pill to swallow if I wasn't concurrently following the last twelve months of the Cleveland Browns. I'm not even going to pretend I summarized everything because there were so many storylines in 2019 I'm bound to have forgotten a few of them.

The offseason saw the Browns hire Freddie Kitchens, the blue collar NFL vet who unleashed Baker Mayfield in the second half of 2018. He says and embodies all the right things to initiate himself with Cleveland's ethos. John Dorsey trades for Odell Beckham Jr., the most electric wide receiver in the NFL. They acquire Olivier Vernon and Sheldon Richardson to build one of the most stout defensive lines in the NFL. Some pundits claim the Browns are now America's team. Media outlets run article after article claiming the Browns will accomplish everything from winning the division to making the Super Bowl.

Then, the season started. From September 8th through December 29th, it was as if every major character engaged in a "Hold my beer!" off with one another.

1) Myles Garrett: Gets thrown out of the first game against the Titans for throwing a punch. Gets thrown out of a November contest against the Steelers for assault and borderline attempted murder. Currently he finds himself suspended indefinitely.

2) Baker Mayfield: Calls out the Giants for drafting Daniel Jones. Films a couple of Progressive commercials. Calls out Rex Ryan. Films another Progressive commercials. Shaves his facial hair three times in one day. Films a couple of Hulu commercials. Gets turned into a meme. Films a couple more Progressive commercials. Engages with a vendor in Cincinnati after losing to the 1-14 Bengals. Films another Progressive commercial.

3) Odell Beckham Jr.: Gets in trouble with the NFL for wearing improper cleats. Tells every opposing team to "come get him."

4) Freddie Kitchens: Where do we begin? The soft spoken, blue collar NFL vet said all the right things during the offseason only to make it abundantly clear from the first game he was in over his head. He repeatedly said he didn't coach penalties despite the fact the team was incapable of not committing penalties. He called a draw play on 4th and 9. He could not score in the red zone with one of the most talent laden offenses in the NFL. He instructed an intentional false start to turn a 4th and 11 into a 4th and 16. He refused to relinquish any control over the offense. He admitted he didn't consult statistics. He got into several altercations with the team's best players on the sidelines during the final weeks of the season.

What began with hopes of establishing the Browns as a contender and Baker Mayfield as a dynamic franchise quarterback ended with a 6-10 record and yet another search for a coach and general manager to maximize their quarterback.

To add insult to injury, my childhood team couldn't beat my alma mater's arch rival after one of the biggest "what if" games in recent college football history (Included in the numerous what ifs were some very questionable officiating because that's basically a given at this point). I also couldn't even make my fantasy football championship after drafting Lamar Jackson, Chris Godwin, Josh Jacobs, and Mark Andrews.

Will 2020 and the decade ahead be any better? It certainly will be tough to be any worse. I'd love for my professional football team to have a quarterback that exemplifies the same maturity as my college football team. I'd love for an adult with head coaching experience at the helm in Cleveland. I'd love for Jordan Burch and MarShawn Lloyd to make an immediate impact for South Carolina in the fall.

As I type this, though, I'm reading rumors the Browns might hire Urban Meyer. I'm reminding myself Jordan Burch hasn't signed his letter of intent. It took one day after watching the majestic sights of the Rose Bowl to lose all my romanticism about football.

So for now, I guess I'm just praying. Praying Joe Burrow hangs 70 points on Clemson's defense again and shuts Dabo Swinney up... At least for a couple of minutes.

J. Nave

My Next Chapter: A Diehard Hornets Fan

These last few months I've been racking up notable life events. I became a father (to a dog). I started a new job. My Columbus Blue Jackets won a playoff series and I cried a lot. I got engaged. I got married and I cried a lot but not quite as much as the playoff series win because I've been in a relationship with that team a lot longer than I have my wife and it's been a much rockier road and that's what being a fan is all about and my wife is okay with that so I married the right woman and that's an awesome feeling.

On top of all the life changes, I really didn't even see a need for this outlet anymore. Instead of Facebook posts encouraging me to read a friend's blog, I was told to listen to their podcast. I was implored to watch their fitness and diet journeys on Instagram. I went out of style and all I could do was watch as the world around me became unrecognizable just like every generation before me.

Over the last couple weeks, though, I've felt a calling to return to the keyboard. Most of my best posts have revolved around the struggles of my favorite teams. Those words were historically the most therapeutic and it felt like writing a commiseration guidebook for my readers who rooted for the same franchises that never won anything. That calling this time came from the city where I've lived for more than two years: Charlotte, North Carolina.

It's always felt odd to call Charlotte home. You see practically nobody my age in the Queen City was born and raised here. They probably went to college in the Southeast and moved here for a solid job in finance because this slice of millennial heaven has everything and better weather than New York. Apartment complexes are popping up on every corner competing in an amenities arm race. A craft brewery or coffee shop is always a short walk away. You can bring your dog with you everywhere. The city essentially makes the start of adulting come with training wheels.

Now that I have a family, it seemed that calling was telling me to put down some roots. Personally the easiest way to make this place my home would be a relationship with a local sports team. I did some soul searching, and at the end of the process, the answer was obvious. I tried to become a Carolina Panthers fan in college for Twitter fame. The Charlotte Checkers, the city's minor league hockey team, just won a title. Mama didn't raise no bandwagon fan. The Charlotte Knights, the AAA affiliate of the Chicago White Sox, are a baseball team and baseball is more irrelevant than a blog post from a 24 year old with no formal writing experience.

When I considered the Charlotte Hornets, I saw my destiny. I saw bright teal and purple lights illuminating the perfectly missing piece of my fandom puzzle. The team embodied everything that felt like home from my past (AKA irrelevant and/or incompetent) and that was before news broke earlier this week that their best player, Kemba Walker, would be leaving the team. The more I thought about it, though, the Hornets might take the cake on those two traits when lumped aside my Browns and my Blue Jackets. Consider the following:

• The list of Charlotte Hornets draft picks. That speaks for itself. 
• Seriously go click on that link. I'm convinced Michael Jordan flips on his television in March each year and remembers the names Dick Vitale and Charles Barkley, two men most would not listen to for draft advice, rattle off the most. Each pick comes from a "elite" college basketball program and only of them panned out. 
• Kemba Walker, the one pick who did pan out, wasn't offered anywhere close to a max contract. The same front office thought a career backup was worth $19 million a year. 
• The Hornets have nearly $100 million tied up next season to five guys who must have dirt on the front office. I think France's Nic Batum is personally out for revenge for the Louisiana Purchase. Thomas Jefferson famously paid only $15 million to acquire all of the land from France. Batum is making $52 million to play below replacement level basketball the next two years. Napoleon wishes he had that much clout.
• The Hornets are at best the fourth most popular basketball team in the city. Duke and North Carolina take the top two spots in this college basketball crazed state, and since Steph Curry grew up here, the Warriors' bandwagon contingent is mighty. The aforementioned transplants take over the Spectrum Center when teams like Boston or Philadelphia come to town, so on certain nights, they could slide down another spot. 
• Nobody in the national media is spending too much time discussing the Hornets' incompetence because the New York Knicks exist. If Kawhi Leonard doesn't join the Lakers at this point, Charlotte will have to settle for bronze for the biggest offseason letdown. 
• The Cleveland Cavaliers coming back from a 3-1 deficit to win the 2016 NBA Finals over the 73 win Golden State Warriors was one of the biggest thrills of my life. LeBron James leaving for Los Angeles combined with the fact I've been to a total of one Cavs game in my life made the group the easiest goodbye. 

The dozens of Hornets fans around me are threatening to abandon the team, but I'm personally salivating at that recipe. I've believed time and time again that the Browns would finally choose the right quarterback. I watched the two most talented players in Blue Jackets' history leave the team today and get nothing in return. Michael Jordan and Mitch Kupchak frankly delivered a perfect recruiting pitch. If I don't become a diehard Hornets fan, I'm betraying myself as a man. 

What does being Charlotte's newest super fan look like? That's a question we're going to answer together. The niche for Charlotte Hornets basketball commentary might be borderline nonexistent, but that seems like a good place to start. I want to hold myself accountable, so I set some classic SMART goals for the 2019-2020 season. 

• Go to at least one Hornets game every month next season. I can't imagine the demand exceeding the supply, and if my economics classes taught me anything, taking the four for four page out of Wendy's playbook might be the best play for upper bowl tickets for a few home games. 
• I will acquire at least three articles of Hornets' clothing before the New Year, including one jersey of a current player on the team (a knockoff from China, obviously). I have a throwback Muggsy Bogues jersey already. Off to a hot start. 
• I will write one Hornets blog post every month to summarize life in Buzz City. The national media might not care about our plight, but we will not be silenced. 
• I will buy my dog a Charlotte bandana/collar to ensure my family bleeds purple and teal. 
• I will get drunk at least once and apply for a press credential at some point in the second half of the season. 

There's a lot of work to be done. I need to remind myself what Zeller brother plays for the team about a hundred times. I need to figure out some puns for Dwayne Bacon. I need to familiarize myself with Coach Borrego's style of play. Most importantly, if there any other Hornets fans out there, I need to find out where I can get a genuine sense of community and camaraderie. Do we have a rallying cry or something? If not, I have a suggestion for the AK (after Kemba) era:

Let's get buzzed, Charlotte.

J. Nave

Nick Saban is a Coward Unless He Demands to be the Browns Next Coach

According to Wikipedia, Murphy's Law refers to the belief that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Also according to Wikipedia, many smart people think this idea is blasphemous. These people have never encountered the Cleveland Browns. They have especially never encountered the 2018 Cleveland Browns.

If the last two decades were a testament to the idea, this year's team has found a way to add an overwhelming amount of favorable evidence. They entered their Week 9 contest against the Kansas City Chiefs without their head coach and offensive coordinator. Their former coach is on a bizarre media tour unlike anything we've ever seen before. They've amassed a 2-6-1 record which has been simultaneously promising and damning. Their interim head coach went viral this summer for needing a lozenge, which would be a lot more hilarious if he wasn't the same man who placed bounties on NFL quarterbacks earlier this decade. Their kicking situation has been so dire the team's owner bought a soccer team in the state to find a suitable replacement.

Despite all the carnage, the team may finally have an answer to their quarterback woes in Baker Mayfield. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows, but he's made Browns football fun again. After this past week, however, the team's mission the rest of the way should be avoiding any and all serious injuries. There's always next year in Cleveland sports, and the promise of next year could be tantalizing if the Browns hire the right head coach. 

Whoever follows Hue Jackson will not have big shoes to fill. Whether it was Jackson, Mike Pettine, Rob Chudzinski, Terry Rogers, Chris Palmer, or Barry Mendelssohn (Two of those guys are made up. Can you identify them? I wrote the damn article and I needed several seconds when I proofread this to remember the answer), this has been a troubling trend the past two decades. The rumor mill has already been cranked up and everybody who is anybody will likely see their name surface in the next two to three months. 

Cleveland may poach Mayfield's college coach, Lincoln Riley, from Oklahoma. When Aaron Rodgers inevitably jettisons Mike McCarthy from Green Bay at the end of the year, there may be a Super Bowl winning coach available on the market. The Browns may target one of the promising assistants under wunderkind Sean McVay or offer seven first round picks in a trade for the man himself. Bruce Arians has already expressed a desire to come out of retirement. All of these names would at the very least be intriguing. For the first time in a long time, the job may be appealing enough to attract a noteworthy candidate.

But I hope one name comes calling for the job: Nick Saban.

That's right. Bill Belichick's defensive coordinator during his stint with Cleveland in the 1990s needs to come home. Journalists and bloggers have written ad nauseam about Saban's success at Alabama. He's currently in the midst of his most dominant season to date. Coming into this season, Saban had mastered every requirement to build a juggernaut program short of finding an elite quarterback and a reliable kicker. Tua Tagovailoa, a rich man's Tom Brady, crossed the first task off the list. The result? Alabama is throttling every opponent this fall. The latter is an oxymoron at the collegiate level, so this is literally as good as it gets. 

Nick Saban could stay at Alabama where he gets an official bye week before playing LSU every year, essentially another bye week before playing Auburn every year, and for all intents and purposes a third bye week when he plays Tennessee every year. He could continue spending his summers at his $11 million lake house in Georgia reminiscing on a season of blowout wins. He could continue his hysterical tirades on the sideline at third stringers when his team is up 46 points in the 4th quarter. I fully expect him to opt for this lifestyle for a few more years because it's equally monotonous and lucrative. Saban will pad his stats before he firmly cements himself as the greatest college football coach of all time, if he hasn't already. 

But if this football genius, meticulous craftsman, and leader of men wants to erase the biggest stain on his legacy, he's about to have the perfect opportunity in 2019. Nick Saban can come to Cleveland where he plays six games a season against the gritty and grueling AFC North. He can spend his summer molding one of the most promising crops of young pass rushers in the NFL. He can groom the sport's next star quarterback equally obsessed with attention to detail. He can stop beating up on his own hapless former coordinators scattered across the southeast and take a shot at his former mentor and the second best quarterback in the history of football (Cleveland at New England is on the schedule for 2019. Imagine the story lines. The world needs this narrative instead of desperate and ungrounded rationalizations to hype up LSU's chances of beating Alabama for the millionth year in a row).

Nick Saban's success at the collegiate level is unprecedented. He could remain in Tuscaloosa for another decade and go on a run that would rival John Wooden. Achieving success in the pros is a whole different animal, though. The fact remain Nick Saban had about as much success as Trent Richardson during his first crack at the NFL. Does this, like the rat poison he laments all the time, keep Saban up at night?

It would if I was Nick Saban. But then again, I'm not a coward.

J. Nave

Are the Cleveland Browns Legitimately Cursed?

We're two weeks into the NFL season, so just as you would expect, there has been a slew of unexpected storylines. Ryan Fitzpatrick is in the conversation for league MVP. Blake Bortles' stats are no longer a meme. The Patriots aren't good anymore (Just kidding, but much love to Trent Dilfer). Patrick Mahomes is the greatest football player of all time. Andy Dalton hasn't thrown a pick six. The Browns haven't lost two games.

We're two weeks into the NFL season, so just as you would expect, there has been a slew of expected plot developments. The Saints forgot the football season starts in September. Hiring Jon Gruden may have not been the best use of $100 million. The Rams have established themselves as Super Bowl favorites. The Giants don't have an offensive line. The Eagles completed a pass to their quarterback. The Browns haven't won a game. 

For those of you paying attention, only one team has managed to stake a claim in both camps. The Cleveland Browns, riding a wave of enthusiasm fueled by Hard Knocks hype, Baker Mayfield's presence, and regression to the mean, have come firing out of the gate to amass a 0-1-1 record against two Super Bowl contenders. Had you offered me that this time last month, I would've had Devon Cajuste's face tattooed on my leg to seal the deal (RIP...). Watching this team the last two weeks, though, I'm convinced there is a higher power puppeteering their misery. 

The Cleveland Browns should be 2-0 right now. That is not a hot take. That is not an exaggerated moral win/loss record. That is a factual statement. In week one, the Browns finished the game with a +5 turnover margin. The Browns were basically the stereotypical kid benefiting from two Christmases with recently divorced parents getting gift after gift after gift. They somehow could only manage a tie. Since the Browns returned to the NFL, teams with a turnover margin of +5 or better in a game are 132-4-1. The Browns are responsible for two of those losses and the tie (Stat courtesy of Bill Barnwell). Another variable at play was a blocked field goal in the final seconds of overtime, but we'll get to Zane Gonzalez in due time. 

In week two the Browns traveled to New Orleans to face a team coming off a game where they scored 40 points and lost. Hue Jackson, in perhaps the finest moment of his coaching career, actually... developed and executed a game plan? Cleveland rode the play of their defense, held the ball for long stretches at a time keeping Drew Brees on the sideline, and took a 12-3 lead in the second half. 

Their lead was only 12-3 because Zane Gonzales missed the extra point following Carlos Hyde's touchdown. Considering this was probably the best drive by the Browns in three years given the circumstances, the miss stung but it was excusable. A few minutes later, Zane Gonzales would proceed to miss a field goal during a bout of bad weather in the Superdome. Tyrod Taylor, the most elite game manager in the NFL, would follow that up by channeling former teammate Nathan Peterman and threw a terrible interception deep in his own territory. The Saints took the lead, and the Browns snatched defeat from the jaws of victory once again. 

But wait! Tyrod Taylor bounced back and connected on a fourth down Hail Mary with a dynamic receiver who may have finally put his off the field issues in the rear view mirror (Not the one you're thinking of... Josh Gordon became a New England Patriot as I was writing this, too, for the record). The game was tied at 18, pending the extra point. It remained tied because Zane Gonzales missed another extra point due to the Superdome's brisk winds. Drew Brees responded with a stellar drive ending in New Orleans taking a three point lead, and the Browns snatching defeat from the jaws of victory once again.

But wait! Tyrod Taylor impersonated Drew Brees and led the Browns down the field in only twenty seconds to set up a game tying field goal. Would there be redemption? Of course not. Zane Gonzales shanked this kick wide right probably because he was forced to kick off of dirt since New Orleans plays in an archaic baseball stadium. Final score: Saints-21 Browns-18

Zane Gonzales won the Lou Groza Award, annually given to college football's best kicker, in 2016. College kickers are so notoriously terrible even the Alabama Football Factory™ hasn't managed to work out all the kinks. I'm not sure even the worst of college kickers would have been able to replicate Gonzales' Sunday afternoon considering he was kicking indoors. I could make a stereotypical Arizona State grad is hungover after a night on Bourbon Street joke or I could make a stereotypical his reported groin injury was inflicted with assistance from a voodoo doll joke. You can choose your own adventure because it's unexplainable how a decorated college football star fell short of expectations in the NFL... 

Statistical improbabilities and player incompetence aren't new concepts in Cleveland. Their culture revolutionizes the art of losing. This year's versions just seem exceptionally cruel simply because there are hints of talent scattered down the depth chart. Combined with over 600 days since the Browns won a football game these two blown opportunities make it seem like there is no getting out of this abyss. Let's reiterate that point. Next week will mark 22 months since the Browns tasted victory.  It's not hard to envision a dystopian future where the Bud Light coolers spread across the city are never opened.

Curses need to be tested from time to time in order to prove their staying power. The Browns get a prime opportunity to see if they are truly capable of winning a football game this week against the New York Jets. The game is at home. The Jets are playing their third game in eleven days. Sam Darnold is a mistake prone rookie quarterback playing against the defense leading the NFL in takeaways. The Browns are wearing their color rush uniforms for the first time (Yes, I agree it's ironic that it took Cleveland two years longer than the rest of the NFL to embrace even a jersey trend). Zane Gonzales is no longer on the team. Vegas even has the Browns as a favorite

Thursday night games have a tendency to provide bizarre results and an ugly brand of football. Throwing the Browns and Jets into the equation can seemingly only ramp up the degree of absurdity. It seems the only fitting way for this streak to end is the entire city of Cleveland being hungover on Friday morning off of free Bud Light.

J. Nave

Photo from cleveland.com

Tiger Woods is A Lock to Win the 2018 Memorial

As much as Dwayne Johnson loves summer action blockbusters with names derived from adjectives that exude testosterone, and as much as college girls love sharing weirdly specific fantasies about their future husbands and kids on Twitter, the sports world equally loves two debates: Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James and Tiger Woods vs. Being Back. ESPN devotes ten hours of programming a day to the former. No need for us to waste space and bump up Disney stock. That's what the Star Wars franchise is for after all. The second debate, though, has taken some interesting twists and turns this spring.

Woods is not only consistently making the cut in tournaments, he's essentially playing himself into contention on Sunday nearly every time out. His recent outing at THE PLAYERS (Don't ask me why it's stylized like that...) was arguably his strongest showing of the year. I'm not counting his second place finish at the Valspar Championship where he had a chance on the 72nd hole to force a playoff. Why? Because Tiger Woods' "first win" after his last few years deserves to come at a tournament not named after a paint company. That would be more appropriately suited for the climax of a Will Ferrell sports comedy that could have totally been released during the mid 2000s.

Even though Tiger has been on this tear and even though his sheer presence is solely reviving interest, participation, and cash flows in golf, I don't think many will claim Tiger is back until he finally tastes victory again. He's a victim of his own creation and expectations. Thankfully, this time is going to arrive next weekend.

The more I thought about what's on the horizon for Tiger this summer the more I realized Tiger Woods winning the Memorial Tournament is the only way this version of Woods can get over the hump and/or how the prophecy of his glorious return can be fulfilled depending on your point of view. Besides the fact I will be there to witness the moment in person and be presented the golden opportunity to sell my badge to a Tiger fanboy for millions of dollars, consider the following:

-Tiger Woods has won the Memorial five times. Back in the day, he managed to win the tournament three consecutive times (1999-2001). It's safe to say he feels comfortable at Muirfield Village.

-The host of the Memorial is none other than the most decorated golfer of all time, Jack Nicklaus. Also known as the man Tiger has been relentlessly pursuing for two decades. Nicklaus racked up 18 major championship, while Tiger has been stuck on 14 for longer than anyone would have ever guessed ten years ago.

-Tiger will be playing in the event for the first time since 2015. During that year's tournament, Woods shot an 85 on Saturday. For context, I played Muirfield Village once in my life and nearly matched the number of pars Woods had that day. Unsurprisingly that is to date Woods worst round on the PGA Tour. He finished in last place. For his nadir to come at this course is perhaps the cruelest metaphor for just how far he had fallen. I'd say it seems like the perfect spot to a return to glory if you're a believer the night is darkest just before dawn.

-During this year's pro-am, Tiger is going to be paired with Peyton Manning. Two widely beloved athletes goofing around on the links will be a spectacle to watch unfold, but once Manning puts his name in the Nationwide jingle at some drunken fan's request, there's going to be no stopping Tiger's rhythm the next four days.

Yet on a more romantic note, the biggest reason why Tiger's "first victory" has to come in Dublin is nothing more than a gesture. As the winner walks off their final hole, Jack Nicklaus is always there to greet the winner with a handshake. While throughout his entire career Tiger Woods has eclipsed one milestone after another, the major championship record commonly predicted to inevitable define him is more than likely never going to be shattered. Given the state of today's game, where a guy half his age won the most recent PGA Tour event, even one more major victory is going to be a challenging feat (*Insert plug for my post from a few months ago*)

But the image of golf's strongest candidates for the greatest of all time label sharing a moment once again given everything that's transpired these past few years would officially slam the door shut on Woods' past struggles. It could come to mark the start of the happy ending chapter for Woods' career where he valiantly chases Nicklaus for the next decade. Perhaps it serves as a poignant reminder of what could have been in an alternate universe if his career ends with no additional victories. If nothing else, it's a point in time sports historians cite in 3018 when they take a moment away from debating whether LeBron or MJ would better fit in their version of the NBA.

J. Nave

Bring Baker to Believeland

Word on the street less than 24 hours away from the NFL Draft is the Cleveland Browns are debating between bestowing just about every single quarterback in this year's class with the honor of saving their franchise. New general manager John Dorsey is playing his cards so close to the vest they may end up embedded in his chest by tomorrow night.  He has a history of doing this during his tenure with the Kansas City Chiefs, and perhaps one of the reasons I have trust in Dorsey not screwing this up is the fact out of every player he's drafted over the last four years only one of them is not currently playing football. And that person is former Georgia quarterback Aaron Murray which is a fine development with me (Go Cocks!).

The elephant in the room is whether Dorsey's magic can continue for a franchise that could be described as a poor illusion of a football team for two decades. Sorting through the misdirection and understanding who Dorsey is eyeing has become an impossible task in this week before the draft. The NFL Draft is a documented crapshoot, and this crop of quarterbacks inspires as much confidence as the 2016 Republican presidential candidates did during the early stages of primary season.

Three names are most frequently brought up, though. Josh Allen, the man best known for running like Mose Schrute and most popularly supported at draftjoshallen.com in a tongue in cheek fashion. Sam Darnold, the man best known for being a doppelganger for the villain in The Incredibles and falling flat on his face in his final collegiate game.

Baker Mayfield, however, is reportedly making a strong push as we enter the final turn. The man best known for... actually, let's go through what you may know him for:

-Winning the Heisman trophy. We know that's the strongest predictor of success in the NFL. 

-Being so slept on he had to walk on at two different programs in the Big 12. He proceeded to win the starting job at both schools over entrenched starters. 

-Setting a record for passing efficiency. Then breaking his own record during his senior year. 

-Torching an elite SEC defense to the tune of 48 points in his final collegiate game.

-Escaping a collapsing pocket far more effectively than eluding the Fayetteville Police Department.

-Delivering an immaculate performance, capped by dazzling showmanship, in a win in Ohio Stadium that gave him one more win in the Buckeye State than the Browns have accumulated in the last year. 

With all due respect to John Dorsey, and I do mean all due respect, this should be an easy choice. Josh Allen can throw a ball across Lake Erie to Canada. Baker Mayfield can actually throw an out route on third and seven. Sam Darnold comes from the program that grooms NFL quarterbacks and the ideal offensive scheme. Baker Mayfield comes from a decent program himself and looks poised to thrive in the new era of positionless football. 

The marriage between Mayfield and the Browns crafts the most fun narrative, too. Sure, the list of potentially great happily ever afters for this team is long. Dublin, Ohio legend Brady Quinn wasn't the heroic protagonist to save the team. Northeast Ohio's own Charlie Frye couldn't quite follow in LeBron James' footsteps to deliver Cleveland a championship. Drake's favorite athlete Johnny Manziel couldn't ever find his rhythm. Disgraced baseball star Brandon Weeden looking for redemption ended up being another erroneous selection. Yet the idea of a historically scoffed at quarterback turning around a historically laughed at team with his lunch pail work ethic? There could be something there. 

Mayfield has off the field demons and on the field question marks. He's arrogant, brash, and cocksure. He goes looking for fights with unnecessary targets for no reasons. But a new team executive's statistical model, QBASE, rates him as the fourth best quarterback prospect since 1997. His rising stock as we enter crunch time seems like the latest evidence his performance eventually speaks for itself, rather than any sort of media driven hype to create a smokescreen for some team's general manager. He'd be the closest fit to the team's presumed starter, Tyrod Taylor. 

Most importantly, passing on Baker Mayfield would only refuel his fiery persona. Watching the NFL get torched by Carson Wentz and Deshaun Watson on a weekly basis last season wasn't fun. This fate likely awaits Browns fans for years to come.The Browns play the Giants (in the preseason), Jets, Broncos, and Bills next year, all who happen to be in the market for a quarterback and other possible landing spots for Mayfield. Seems like a sign to snag the man and save more pain in the short and long term. 

Bring Baker to Believeland. Grab Saquon Barkley or Bradley Chubb. Maybe, just maybe, win a couple games. 

J. Nave

Burt Macklin is the Key to the 2018 NCAA Tournament

The NCAA Tournament, colloquially know as March Madness, unsurprisingly derives its core appeal from the madness. We crave the unpredictability. We love the stories of unknown people from unknown places becoming stars. We battle with coworkers for bragging rights on whether coolest colors or coolest nicknames is a more effective strategy to peg basketball results. This year's iteration seems ripe for even more madness given the parity on display all season.

But what if this madness is a mirage? What if we for once stopped being sheep and questioned the nature of our reality? What if we simply opened our third eye to see the obvious warning signs flashing right in front of our eyes? 

Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin hasn't been seen since he fell off the map in Pawnee, Indiana a few years ago. Macklin led us to believe he retired. The FBI's Twitter account even tried to tell us as much and throw us off his scent. The FBI isn't supposed to investigate college basketball, though. And yet out of nowhere, an investigation by the Feds went from raising eyebrows around college basketball to rattling the sport to its core these past six months? Interesting.

The Pawnee Police Department never possessed the moxie to challenge Greg Pikitis. They were clueless at pinning Ben Wyatt's pie assailant. Macklin was the only man up for the job. Meanwhile, the NCAA lacks both the moral compass and legal enforcement to correct its wrongdoings. It seems evident to me an unconventional agent with roots in one of our country's most passionate basketball states would be up for this challenge. 

Think about it. Your average narc would question only the blue bloods. Badger John Calipari into admitting he's paying recruits at Kentucky. Prove Marvin Bagley collected duffel bags of Benjamins during his recruiting pitches from Duke. Once these quests proved futile, they would have admitted defeat and gone home. That's not Macklin's style. He didn't abandon his pursuit of Janet Snakehole after one attempt.

He went west of the Mississippi River, normally a desolate wasteland for college basketball attention and storylines. He narrowed in on the desert and found a man who gave all the classic telltale signs of trouble. Mainly, he sweats may more than any normal man should in a dry heat. Not to mention he landed DeAndre Ayton, who given his frame, may share Macklin's middle name.

A report last month claimed FBI wiretaps caught Sean Miller, head coach of Arizona, discussing paying Ayton, who will likely be a top five pick in this June's NBA draft, $100,000 to secure his commitment. Miller has vehemently denied the allegations, and various edits to ESPN's report have poked holes in the legacy, but that's not important. What is important is Burt Macklin did his job. He tried to warn us. 

Macklin wrote his legacy in Pawnee looking out for everyday people. Last time I checked, everyday people liked the NCAA Tournament for all those reasons I mentioned in the first paragraph. Everyday people don't want to watch an Arizona title get vacated weeks, months, or possibly years from now, especially when circumstantial evidence like this comes out ahead of any potential run. Louisville presented the awkward case of writing a revisionist history in sports only last month. Considering Ayton is playing like a man possessed by the best bigs in the history of the sport since this allegation came to light, it's well within the realm of possibility.

Picture this run by the Wildcats over the next few weeks. They crush a mid major team in Buffalo showing no regards for the team representing the farmers and blue collar workers that make up Macklin's home in middle America. They get past the Kentucky Wildcats and their rabid fanbase goes hysterical when they find out in February 2019 that Ayton should have been ruled ineligible. They bully Virginia into submission and basketball nerds everywhere need lobotomies after watching Tony Bennett's packline defense fall short of the Final Four once again. They zip Cincinnati up and put the Bearcats in body bags.

In the Final Four, there are a host of disappointing possibilities. Arizona's penultimate victim could be Xavier, fresh off making the national semifinals for the first time in school history. It could be North Carolina falling just short of their third straight appearance in the national championship. With their title game opponent, Arizona might crush America's most popular March maven, Tom Izzo, and Michigan State. Duke's Grayson Allen (probably born and raised in Eagleton let's be honest) could end his final game uncontrollably sobbing after tripping up and falling short of going out on top. I can't begin to imagine the devastation should a Cinderella team, like Butler in 2010 or 2011, make a run to write this scenario's final chapter.

Burt Macklin's evidence may prove to not be enough to pin charges on Arizona. His work may be all for naught if Sean Miller continues to dispatch questionable lineups leading to a Wildcats' loss before the tournament's weekend first weekend is over. But his service should be commended regardless. He didn't need LaVar Ball's brashness or Jay Bilas' legalese to start a dialogue about changing the NCAA. He only needed himself. 

Cheers to you, Burt. You son of a bitch.

J. Nave

Fifth Annual Super Bowl Prediction (By Previewing Absolutely Nothing Related to Football)

When Alabama battled Georgia in college football's title game, that moment in time seemed destined to be the pinnacle of delirious and rabid fanbases gathering together for a football game in 2018. And possibly, the history of the world. The National Football League, obviously cognizant of a need to replicate an event to compete with that claim, arranged a hold my beer response to give us the Super Bowl clash that awaits us on Sunday.

We could have had the Minnesota Vikings, a franchise known for its playoff plight more than anything else, play in a Super Bowl in their home stadium. We could have had the Jacksonville Jaguars, a franchise known for wallowing in irrelevance during essentially its entire existence, playing in a Super Bowl after going 3-13 last season. Instead, we get a match-up between Philadelphia, a city dangerously close to purging itself after any victory of note, and New England, a region where Super Bowl victories are commonplace, yet their fans still act like they've never been there before.

Regardless, you should know the drill at this point. We'll take a look at several off the field factors to arrive at a robust and scientific analysis for who will win the Super Bowl. For the haters and doubters for which there are many, this method is an extraordinary 2-2 at pegging the winner. Let's get that to an unfathomable 60 percent this year. 

1. Dilly Dilly

Nothing unanimously unites Americans these days, but Bud Light has come about as close as you can get behind their Dilly Dilly campaign. These ads have dominated conversation during the NFL season, and they seem poised to have enough ammunition in the reserves to ensure Doritos and your other favorite Super Bowl advertising stalwarts end the night in the pit of misery. Philly rhymes with Dilly, and you can't dispute the fact that has to mean something. Philadelphia is also home to Wawa, and that's also a silly word that nobody truly understands that's been able to create a fervent obsession. Congratulations Eagles, you're actually getting two points for this category. Go get yourself a hoagie to celebrate making Athletic Acumen Super Bowl prediction history

New England: 0     Philadelphia: 2

2. The Process

Are you familiar with the idea of a polymath? It refers to an individual whose talents and areas of expertise are numerous. Benjamin Franklin, arguably the most important resident in the history of Philadelphia, was one. His many roles (according to the polymath of Internet encyclopedias, Wikipedia) include author, printer, political theorist, politician, freemason, postmaster, scientist, inventor, humorist, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat. 

Philadelphia is currently home to a far more cultured renaissance man by the name of Joel Embiid. His many roles include basketball player, social media troll, on court troll, humorist, pettiness theorist, diplomat to Cameroon, and process inventor. If you find a way to one up one of our country's most legendary individuals, you earn your city's NFL team a point. 

New England: 0     Philadelphia: 3

4. Rob Gronkowski had 69 receptions during the 2017 NFL season. This is the nicest stat in the NFL's nice history, and the most compelling and nicest evidence to date the Patriots are just nicely trolling us all. 

New England: 1     Philadelphia: 3

5. Justin Timberlake

While researching this post, I learned Justin Timberlake is nearly four years younger than Tom Brady. I can't stop the feeling I'm wrestling of whether or not that makes sense or if that's the most unexpected thing I'll learn this year. Tom Brady is getting all the attention for seemingly having no intention of saying bye, bye, bye to football anytime soon at age 40, but Justin Timberlake brought sexy back more than a decade ago and he's still reinventing himself. It's gonna be May(be) his greatest accomplishment to date if his new Memphis inspired album charts well. Ageless wonders will be everywhere in Minneapolis this Sunday, and New England fans can rock their bodies at getting another point.

New England: 2     Philadelphia: 3

6. Amazon

Jeff Bezos' company has been in the news a time or two this year. Most recently, Amazon has been attached to a venture to fix health care, in addition to releasing their list for the 20 cities still in the running to land their second headquarters. Coincidentally both Boston and Philadelphia are finalists. Alexa, did Bezos arrange this Super Bowl to allow for the two cities to compete for his attention on a national stage? I assume we will never know for sure, but I do know Boston is apparently a heavy favorite according to betting markets. Another point for New England. 

New England: 3     Philadelphia: 3

7. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Paddy Pub's motley crew of employees comprise arguably the strongest cast of a comedy this past decade. Not led by any one star, their chemistry, quirkiness, and ingenuity leads to a consistently, tremendous show. However, the show's inability to ever get the recognition and accolades it believes it deserves led it to actually satirize the matter (Season 9's The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award). 

Sans Carson Wentz I feel like you could make the case the Eagles probably feel the same way. After being an underdog twice in a row on their home field, and now combined with New England's star power, you get the feeling few people think Philadelphia stands a chance. Just like Charlie, Dee, Mac, Dennis, and Frank, though, the team marches on delivering strong performance after strong performance. And just like the gang did in The Nightman Cometh, I like their chances to deliver on the biggest stage. 

New England: 3     Philadelphia: 4

8. The 2006 Film, Invincible 

The analogy comparing Nick Foles to Rocky Balboa and Tom Brady to Ivan Drago would have been too easy to make. In case, I want to focus on another sports movie centered on Philadelphia. Based on the true story of Vince Papale, Invincible is a manifestation of the blue collar attitude associated with the city. 

Here's the issue, though. Mark Wahlberg was cast to play Papale in the movie. A man who bleeds clam chowder. A man who exudes a little too much Masshole. A man who left Super Bowl 51 early even though he's a diehard Patriots fan. In fact, let's dock both teams a point for their association with him. 

New England: 2     Philadelphia: 3

9. The Game of Thrones Angle Literally Nobody Has Noticed

-Fact: Minneapolis won their Super Bowl bid behind a campaign marketing themselves as the north, which they correctly believed would get a boost from the resounding success of Game of Thrones. Thus, the Vikings became the Kings in the North.

-Fact: Philadelphia players and fans have worn dog masks in the past few weeks to embrace their underdog roles. Including when they defeated the Kings in the North who were forced to travel south to what they thought would be lands of familial love. After the Red Wedding and following important conquests in the future, House Bolton made it a point to pride around in direwolf heads.

-Fact: Philadelphia is now travelling north to invade the Kings of the North palatial home. House Bolton decided to claim the Stark's fortress of Winterfell for their own.

-Fact: The Kings of the North eventually took back their home against the sadistic Bolton's forces. 

That seems like a foolproof, surface level theory proving the Philadelphia Eagles are House Bolton. That means some member of the Vikings (My bet is Teddy Bridgewater, who I think you could make the case is equal parts Arya and Jon Stark after his past eighteen months) is going to find a way to kill every last member of the Eagles' 53 man roster to let House Stark reclaim its home. That would make it easy for the Patriots to win the Super Bowl. The Eagles got two points for one category earlier, and I'm giving the Patriots the knockout win as a result of these eerie circumstances. I regret not dedicating 5,000 words to expanding on this. I'm basically passing up on a Pulitzer. 

New England: 4     Philadelphia: 3

OFFICIAL PREDICTION: New England: 28     Philadelphia: 24

J. Nave

  

Tua Tagovailoa's Accomplishments Are Fake News

If a 22 year old writes a blog that he advertises solely on his Facebook page, is he a part of the mainstream media? I'm hoping the answer to that rhetorical question is yes. Because if it isn't, what I've written below no longer serves its purpose as vehemently campaigning for an award The Athletic Acumen so desperately needs: The Most Dishonest and Corrupt Media Award for Sports Blogging.

Alabama's (former) backup quarterback, Tua Tagovailoa, is now a legend in Tuscaloosa even if he never completes another pass in his career. When you win a national championship with a walk off touchdown in overtime against a conference rival, you're entitled to never pay for a drink near your college campus for the rest of your life (Of course not until he graduates, though... And of course not until he turns 21, too).

Here's the thing, though. Why are we so quick to praise Tagovailoa? His game winning throw was made on a play I mastered by the time I was ten years old thanks to the NCAA Football video games: Four Verticals.

Watch the replay from behind Tagovailoa, fellas. It should look familiar from your Xbox or PlayStation days. I could've gone in there, "looked off" the safety, and dropped a dime to the receiver the defense inevitably fails to properly cover (Normally, it's the tight end over the middle for the record). This play should be called on every down. It can't be stopped, no matter how the defense opts to counter it. I attempted to stop it for thousands of hours with every coverage scheme you can possibly call. I won Heisman trophies for mediocre tight ends with this play. I beat programs like Notre Dame, Florida, and Texas with the University of Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks with this play. I believe any guy in between the ages of 18-33 could've beat the Dawgs if put in Tagovailoa's shoes after calling this play.

Also, from a narrative perspective, why are we acting like Tagovailoa is a unicorn? He brings nothing new to the table. He's essentially a recycled combination of three of the biggest stars in the past decade of college football all rolled together, and the saying is not one man's trash is the same man's treasure.

A left handed quarterback with the initials of T.T. who isn't shy about sharing his faith? Tim Tebow already made three careers out of this act. A humble leader in the huddle from Hawaii who displays more poise than most of his peers? Marcus Mariota already bores millions of football fans in between his fewer and farther between flashes of brilliance. A backup quarterback who leads his team to a championship? Cardale Jones was a third string quarterback when the season began, started three games to lead his team to a title, and learned how to play school in the process. A common adage is if you have two quarterbacks you actually don't have one. So if you have three media narratives, don't you truly lack any semblance of an entertaining personality?

Most importantly, not enough people are questioning whether Tagovailoa is about to be responsible for the decline of the Alabama dynasty. Nick Saban declared after the game he'd never been happier in his life. I'm concerned by this because he let himself crack quite the exuberant soft smile at least a half dozen times in the post game celebration. Just maybe he was being serious?

This is a man who is obsessed with winning. This is a man whose middle name is relentless. This is a man who I think may have stored Tagovailoa on his bench the whole season only to unveil his own Keyser Soze level plot twist on the college football world when his team needed it most. 

But did it backfire on him? Has he become soft after seeing just how powerful this trump card was? Is he about to find a higher calling in life? We may not get our answer until the fall, but what if the Crimson Tide rolls into Oxford, Fayetteville, or Knoxville and loses next year after an undisciplined week of practice? What if this was the pinnacle moment and crown jewel for Saban's football career? We may look back on January 8th, 2018 as Nick Saban's rat poison. People forget he hasn't won a national championship following Tagovailoa's heroics. 

You're probably thinking this is far-fetched, and I wouldn't blame you. However, do you remember where I said Tagovailoa was from a few paragraphs ago? The Hawaiian Islands have a tradition in their culture where the same word functions to say hello and good bye. Sure, Tagovailoa may have said aloha to the whole country and championship glory on Monday night. But he may have also given college football's kingpin an epiphany that it's now time to walk away and say aloha to the living rooms of 17 year old kids around the country.

Tua Tagovailoa has only played thirty decent minutes of football in his life, yet the media wants you to believe he's won three Heisman trophies and broken every record in the history of the sport. This is a joke. He is a fraud. If he wants to prove me wrong, he can start with winning the starting job in spring ball. 

J. Nave

Are Millennials Going to Kill Tiger Woods Next?

I'm a huge fan of sports, but I'm an even bigger fan of the holidays. There's no better time to reflect on the past year, dream about the year to come, and cherish every blessing in the world with your loved ones. The only issue is there's significantly less to treasure this year because millennials are in the midst of a genocide where every institution, business, and activity is in danger.

Buffalo Wild Wings? "All the essentials" weren't enough to save your wings, beer, and sports. Macy's? You may encourage people to believe, but millennials learned Santa isn't real years ago and they're responding with a vengeance to make departments stores as nonexistent as Santa's workshop. Home ownership? Millennials are here for a good time, not a long time. Dogs are a far better investment than signing on to any 30 year fixed mortgage rate you can offer.

There's even a sport thought to be in the cross hairs of millennials now: Golf. It's hard to carve out four hours on the weekend to play when you spend every Sunday morning at a bottomless mimosa accompanied brunch. It's even harder to afford a country club membership (or even golf clubs... or even golf balls... or even a golf glove) when you're bunkered by an avalanche of student debt.

Golf valiantly fought its way back into the spotlight a few weeks ago. How? A battered, bruised, and maligned hero by the name of Tiger Woods rose from the ashes to resurrect his battered, bruised, and maligned sport.

The Hero World Challenge, an event actually hosted by Woods every year, marked Tiger's first competitive event since the Adam and Eve of the millennials tasted avocado toast for the first time. Tiger roared out of the gates early (I'm the first blogger to ever utilize that pun) seemingly ready to make golf great again. A stumble on Saturday proved fatal to Woods' chances, but the consensus across the board was Tiger Woods is once again on the prowl (I'm also the first blogger to ever use that pun).

The image of one of the sport's all time greats stalking today's stars, with the backdrop of Augusta's azaleas in April and donning his cardinal red on Sunday, is tantalizing. The prospects of Woods' back holding up long enough to make a serious charge at Jack Nicklaus' major record could dominate headlines for the next couple years, especially if he claims a title this year. The mere impact of Woods' presence at a few tournaments this year could have in reviving interest in the sport shouldn't be discounted.

There's a potentially insurmountable obstacle preventing Woods from turning those dreams into reality, though. Golf currently has a crop of millennials licking their chops at the opportunity to turn Tiger into prey. This generation has been conditioned to beat Tiger if you think about it. Whether it was Drake rapping about making friends with Mike but needing to A.I. him for your survival or Ricky Bobby providing the cure for instant gratification by preaching if you ain't first, you're last, the life lessons are ready to be tested. Not to mention, the short attention spans of this generation won't allow for them to focus for long on Woods making a run during a tournament's final round. With this combination of nature and nurture, Tiger Woods is objectively doomed.

All kidding and popular stereotypes about the generation aside, these guys who have been winning tournaments in Woods' absence are good. Many of them have been scrutinized for not embodying the necessary killer instinct to ascent to Woods' level of dominance, but a factor not discussed enough is the role parity has played in this.

Rory McIlroy, Jordan Spieth, Jason Day, Dustin Johnson, and most recently Justin Thomas have generated grumblings of being anointed golf's next big thing after performances in past seasons. Not only have they had to battle each other on Sundays, they have had to contend with resurgent veterans in the likes of Bubba Watson, Phil Mickelson, Matt Kuchar, Henrik Stenson, Justin Rose, and Sergio Garcia and a steady pipeline of younger players, most notably Hideki Matsuyama and Jon Rahm, pumping out new stars with each major. And if his performance at the Hero Wold Challenge is any indication, Rickie Fowler, arguably the most marketable player on Tour, may be done playing groomsman to his friends in 2018.

Casual fans are going tune in and turn out in droves to catch a sight of Tiger at tournaments in the months ahead. They'll elbow to the front of the ropes to catch his unfathomable distance off the tee. They'll dream of his magical short game conjuring up more thunderous roars. They'll feel the need to channel his tenacity and competitive spirit in their own walks of life.

But imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. These fans will see golfers overpowering a course nowadays is a dime a dozen. They'll hear delirious celebrations from several holes away, but they'll be a result of Jordan Spieth's latest hole out from a greenside bunker. They'll see these millennials aren't plagued by a sense of entitlement, because just like Justin Thomas, they want to kick their role model's ass.

Millennials kill staples of American culture by the day. Tiger Woods may be an icon unlike any the game of golf has ever seen, but I'm bearish on his chances of ever winning another tournament, let alone a major. His back surgery may take the brunt of the blame if he fails to deliver, but don't let this narrative fool you. This Snapchat loving, fancy cocktail drinking, and Chinese knockoff basketball jersey wearing foursome is about to hunt the title dreams of Tiger Woods' little snoozes into extinction.

J. Nave

Ohio State Needs an Urban Revival

An insensitive, topical, trite, and/or arrogant sports blogger could have titled this post a number of things. John Kasich Needs to Declare a State of Emergency in Ohio... Urban Meyer: On the Brink of Another Fake Heart Attack?... Should J.T. Barrett Go Play School?... Thankfully, even after a four month hiatus, I am none of those things.

Drowning in the hot takes regarding this past weekend's most pivotal college football tilt, however, I felt summoned to return to the keyboard to examine a narrative getting overshadowed by Baker Mayfield's apology for his attempt to replicate Ohio's own Neil Armstrong by planting an Oklahoma flag in Ohio Stadium's AstroTurf. To be completely honest, I wish the new Heisman front runner would've channeled his state's history and school's mascot and "planted" the flag sooner. Like before the game to call his shot sooner. He could've even avoided any criticism by citing he was inspired by Ohio State infamously tearing down Michigan's banner in the 1970s (Baker, if you're reading this, hit me up. I've got some more ideas for your brand and Heisman campaign).

Nevertheless, that aforementioned narrative is the fact Urban Meyer has been outcoached in five straight games. Thanks to sheer talent advantages across the board and a couple controversial inches if you ask Jim Harbaugh, Ohio State has managed a 3-2 record in those contest. For most programs, that wouldn't be too damning. THE Ohio State University football fans will be the first to tell you the Buckeyes are no ordinary program, though. 

Let's look at those five games. Lackluster offense and a narrow win over a 3-9 Michigan State team was brushed aside because of the budding rivalry in recent years. A victory over Michigan will never draw widespread questioning, even though the offense failed to move the ball for much of the game. The goose egg against Clemson was such a resounding third strike nearly the entire coaching staff on that side of the ball was let go. To kick off this season, Ohio State looked stagnant for 30 minutes against Indiana. They raised the bar to a whole new level this weekend when they turned Oklahoma into a suddenly stout defense for an entire game. Consider this your friendly reminder that a stout Big 12 defense is the definition of an oxymoron. 

Any and all blame has now shifted squarely onto the shoulders of J.T. Barrett. Many people think Harvey Dent was foreshadowing his own destiny when he said you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain, but I'm starting to believe his prophecy was in reference to Barrett. Without his play in the 2014 campaign, the Buckeyes would have never won a national title, and Barrett will soon pass Drew Brees for most touchdowns responsible for in Big Ten history. He has overwhelmingly carved out his place in Buckeye lore. Teammates have rallied behind Barrett and praised his invaluble leadership in the face of criticism this week. 

But heroic loyalty and nostalgia don't help win football games. At this point, JT Barrett is a grotesque hybrid of the Manning brothers in the 2010s. His regression on the field is as depressing and difficult to watch as Peyton's fall from grace, while his facial expressions on the sidelines of late have looked as dead and emotionless as Eli's meme generating stares. To make matters worse, Urban Meyer said he was concerned about his quarterback's confidence earlier this week. 

It's statements like those why I'm most concerned about Ohio State's prognosis for 2017 and beyond. Meyer vaulted Alex Smith up draft boards to get selected first overall in the NFL Draft. Meyer's system got Tim Tebow selected in the first round of the NFL Draft (You could have probably had a compelling debate about which accomplishment was more impressive up until last week when Alex Smith torched the Patriots). It seems blasphemous to suggest, but given Meyer's offense is now the reason a mob is calling for Barrett's benching, is it possible its his scheme that has become stale and most responsible for the struggles?

The threat of a vertical passing game is nonexistent. Hell, the idea of the threat of a vertical passing game is nonexistent. The supposed power spread attack abandons the run game and its talented backs in the Buckeyes' biggest outings. Adjustments and trends by opponents have left the trademark pace of Meyer's offense in the dust. Hesitation and confusion now cloud what used to be clear and prescient reads. A quarterback counter where Barrett slogs ahead for a yard or two into the heart of the defense appears to be its staple play for some reason. There have been points in the past twelve months where I've had more confidence in the defense to get on the scoreboard. If this current progression stays par for the course, Meyer won't be able to clean house again to avoid a majority stake in the blame. 

I want to affirm I'm not calling for a coach who is 62-7 to be fired. I simply find it curious Meyer is not facing more anger from Ohio State fans, many of whom are constantly chomping at the bit to share a critique whenever anything scarlet and gray shows signs of going awry. It does warrant a mention the last time Ohio State suffered multiple embarrassments in a five game stretch, the team reeled off thirteen wins in a row to win a national title. This time around, though, the Big Ten is stacked with former sleeping giants in Michigan and Penn State now wide awake and chasing playoff appearances. 

Beating up on Army, UNLV, and Rutgers to close out September may be exactly what the doctor ordered, as confidence for a floundering offense and more game reps for a young defense (whose woes I didn't bother discussing) should be immensely beneficial. But right now, one of college football's best coaches seems out of pixie dust. And to stay on top of one of the sport's best divisions, he better hope to find a sprinkle or two fast. 

J. Nave