Fourth Annual Super Bowl Prediction (By Previewing Absolutely Nothing Related to Football)

I can't remember how I came up with this idea back in 2014, but this post is easily my favorite to write every year. I'm only 1-2 using the method, but last year I was influenced by my temporary and misguided decision to become a Panthers fan. Even so, I'm not sure a thorough examination of Bill Belichick's ability to take away his opposition's best weapon or Atlanta's play action passing game would help me do much better. I like to think at this point you are all reading this for entertainment or a distraction rather than advice on how to gamble.

I'll be honest, though. My enthusiasm for the Super Bowl 51 preview was severely tampered when Green Bay's secondary depleted me the right to analyze how much of an impact Jordan Rodgers' success on The Bachelorette had in fueling the firestorm within his vilified, vengeance seeking brother. Fortunately, there's still plenty to dig into with the thriving culture of Atlanta matched up against the patriotic grit of the greater Boston area.

Like always, a best of seven series. May the best place win.

Chick Fil A vs. Dunkin Donuts

We have to begin with this titanic battle of fast food giants. One invented the chicken sandwich. The other so perfectly captures the spirit of its home Saturday Night Live wrote a sketch about the love affair between Boston and its preferred quick service breakfast provider.

There's also a big issue with each, though. Chick Fil A is closed on Sunday's, and although justification for this is perfectly valid, there's a preponderance of evidence behind the fact Sunday's are when you're most likely to crave waffle fries and Polynesian sauce. Meanwhile, Dunkin Donuts is a poor man's Tim Horton's. The United States can lose to Canada in hockey, sure. But fast food? That's about as un-American as you can get.

Eat Mor Chikin on Monday through Saturday. Avoid Dunkin 24/7/365.

Atlanta- 1          New England- 0

Atlanta vs. The Departed

Outside of La La Land and Westworld, I'm not sure if there's been a pop culture phenomenon embraced the past few months with more fervor than Atlanta. The television show has a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Donald Glover, a creativity savant, serves at the helm of the show, so quality will likely only continue to build in future seasons. I wanted to watch a couple episodes to more accurately weigh in, but I'm currently on another pop culture binge for a post in the coming weeks (Stay tuned...).

Meanwhile, Boston has been the setting for so many classics in the past decade that I had severe difficulty selecting the most worthy contender. After some deliberation The Departed became the only choice. Mark Wahlberg, who I imagine bathes in chowdah, ramps up his hometown pride to a dangerous level. Matt Damon, also originally from Beantown, plays the most prototypical Boston movie genre character ever written. Leonardo DiCaprio spends the whole movie convincing people he's nawt a cawp. I'm Shipping Up to Boston is included in the trailer for God's sake!

The last sentence alone is enough to warrant a victory, but at this point in history, this isn't a contest.

Atlanta- 1          New England- 1

Bad and Boujee vs. Sweet Caroline

Although born in Brooklyn, Neil Diamond has become one of Boston's adopted son. The Red Sox use Sweet Caroline as an unofficial anthem to a level that would probably be annoying if it wasn't such a catchy song. Have you ever wondered who the song is about?. Back in 2011, Diamond stated his inspiration for the song was a picture of Caroline Kennedy, daughter of JFK. It may be hard to belt out how the times are so good, so good, however, when you realize Caroline was 11 years old at the time. A few years later, Diamond recanted his story and said the song was actually about his wife. Her name, Marsha, simply didn't flow nearly as well. Is this far more acceptable for warm to be touching warm? I vote no. Plus, Go Cubs Go is the catchier baseball song anyways.

You know what has no confusion in regards to its meeting? Rain drop, drop top, watch Matt Ryan hit Julio Jones on the post over the damn top. Migos, a truly authentic, Atlanta rap syndicate, created the dab. Their latest hit has been piped up all the way to the top of the charts, and when combined with new stadiums for the Braves and Falcons, their latest album, Culture, gives Georgia's capital a holy trinity unlike any other in the world.

Quavo, Takeoff, and Offset put the ATL back in the lead.

Atlanta- 2          New England- 1

Lady Gaga's Music Catalog

There are about a Million Reasons why the Patriots take this in a blowout. Tom Brady and Rodger Goodell's relationship is the definition of Bad Romance. Bill Belichick has the best Poker Face in the NFL. Gronk is unfortunately forced to Just Dance after this Super Bowl victory since he's sidelined with an injury. Chris Hogan is on the Edge of Glory should he deliver another huge game. The Paparazzi in the sports media loves the Patriots' success and scandals. The NFL masterfully crafted a Perfect Illusion from the Deflategate saga to distract the public from player safety issues. Oh, and Roger Goodell can only be reached via Telephone by New England's brass since he's too big of a coward to show his face in Foxboro.

She may be performing at halftime, but this battle is not going to make it six rounds. It's a knockout.

Atlanta- 2          New England- 2

The Colonies vs. The Confederate States of America
In keeping with the beliefs of vaunted historian Ron Swanson, the world would have only continued making mistakes without the actions of the New England football team's namesakes in the earliest years of our country. They fought. And they won.

Meanwhile, General Sherman's March to the Sea during the Civil War began after he forced an evacuation of Atlanta and subsequently eradicated the city.

One if by land, two if by sea, and a third point gives New England a lead.

Atlanta- 2          New England- 3

The 45th President of the United States' Twitter Account

On second thought, I'm not sure if anybody benefits from this...

Atlanta- 2          New England- 3

Better Story?

Oh wait, I almost forgot. This entire season has been a revenge tour headlined by the greatest quarterback in NFL history. Much respect for the Falcons' impressive success on offense this season, but there's no way the world is getting deprived of this beautiful, awkward moment.

Atlanta- 2          New England- 4


NEW ENGLAND: 35          ATLANTA: 24

J. Nave

Has Alabama Turned SEC Football Into Westworld?

I was going to write a preview of the College Football Playoff but I realized that was fruitless.

Alabama should overwhelm Washington. Ohio State and Clemson will be a classic matchup of strength on strength. Alabama will be a heavy favorite against either team in the championship. Voila. Those three sentences you'll hear verbatim and repeatedly on ESPN in the network's pregame coverage.

Instead, I need to take some time and focus on a more dystopian theory requiring a deep dive down the rabbit hole. It's a ludicrous premise on its surface. It's a potential reality we need to acknowledge for the sake of a conference that adamantly, yet somewhat creepily, claims collegiate sports just mean more to its institutions before it's too late for its most holy spectacle. Alabama football has been called the Death Star by many writers. I don't think that metaphor goes far enough, though. The Death Star was so poorly designed it got blown up. Multiple times. What do I believe Nick Saban has accomplished at Alabama?

I adamantly believe Nick Saban is the mastermind of a plan where he has built the SEC into his own entity in the model of the titular amusement park at the helm of HBO's new hit series, Westworld.

For those unfamiliar with the show, here's a synopsis. Thanks to technological advancements, an escape from the real world has been created in the form of an amusement park called Westworld. The park is inhabited by hosts, artificial intelligence beings with tremendous human-like behavior who all play a role in a larger picture. Wealthy, powerful humans are able to come into Westworld to live out their wildest fantasies in this replica of the wild west. Here's the thing, though. The hosts have no ability to fight back. The elite humans always win and get what they want. The park's creator is an old man who strives to make these stories increasingly compelling with a relentless pursuit of perfection, and the hosts are reprogrammed or thrown aside like scraps should they malfunction and go off script. For the sake of spoilers, I won't go into some of the deeper and darker themes of the show, but this should be enough to make my case.

In this analogy, Alabama's highly touted recruits and football players are the humans. Nick Saban plays the role of Dr. Robert Ford, creator of the park and mass manipulator of each and every host. The hosts in this case? The individuals who make up the thirteen other programs in the SEC.

Look at the current state of the SEC. Besides Alabama, this season was disastrous for the conference. No team besides the Crimson Tide will finish with double digit wins. The quarterbacks in the conference are wildly inconsistent and incompetent. Successful coaches have been replaced with Saban disciples struggling to replicate the results of their predecessors. Is Alabama's head coach really responsible for all this? Look at this list of events in the conference this year and decide for yourself:

-Georgia fires head coach Mark Richt. His almost annually double digit win totals obviously weren't enough. LSU fires head coach Les Miles. His almost annually double digit wins totals obviously weren't enough. Angered at the programs' desires to better challenge him, the replacements have results that inspire no confidence in an effort to inflict losing on the "humans"...

-Florida and LSU have athletes on defense to threaten the Crimson Tide's offense. However, the programs have Purdue transfers at the game's most important position. I wonder who is preventing the schools from recruiting competent players in the most crucial role on the field. Seems like a new and damning flaw in the code of these once championship caliber programs...

-Tennessee, thanks to miraculous comebacks in the second half, seems poised to usurp Florida, led by former Saban assistant Jim McIlwain, as SEC East champions. Knowing he needs a team to rush for zero yards in the SEC Championship game to finish a story declaring this iteration of the Tide as the sport's best ever, former Saban player Alvin Kamara convinces Jalen Hurd to leave the program sending the team into turmoil down the stretch guaranteeing a Gator appearance. Even Nick Saban needs a servant as loyal as Bernard Lowe...

-Johnny Manziel was responsible for one of the most exciting victories against the Crimson Tide in recent memory. Now, his life is falling apart. Is it really all self-inflicted or did Saban seek revenge and alter his attributes to make the former Heisman trophy winner go off the deep end...

-Texas A&M surprisingly showed up at #4 in the College Football Playoff rankings. The Aggies, though, fall apart losing to Ole Miss, Mississippi State, and LSU in November. Why? The core component of the Aggies' story is finishing with this record...

-Auburn looks lifeless for much of the season. Not wanting to destroy the collective conscience of a crucial group of hosts, he lets the Tigers turn it around with a vaunted ground game as the season goes on. But when it's time for the Iron Bowl, it's a huge break the team's star running back is injured...

-In September, Ole Miss quarterback Chad Kelly scores 42 points on the Crimson Tide in a hard fought defeat. Last year, he led the Rebels to a victory in Tuscaloosa. Why did his season end with a knee injury. I assume we'll never know for certain...

-Arkansas racks up 30 points against the best defense in college football history(?). Infuriated by the disrespect shown, Arkansas struggles with inconsistency the rest of the season and blows massive halftime leads in the final two games of the season. A star player gets caught shoplifting at the namesake store for the Razorbacks' bowl game adding further insult to reputation. A coincidence? I think not...

-Mississippi State, high on pride for the success of Dak Prescott, seems poised to get a boost in recruiting. After a 6-7 season, though, the likelihood of that seems far fetched now. Unable to control the NFL, Saban takes the proper measure in his world to keep a possible threat as a constant loser...

-Poor Vanderbilt finally seems to be figuring out how to form a respectable football team. However, a big time job in the Big Ten opens up. Instead of staying around Nashville, James Franklin heads to Penn State where he wins the conference this year. Awfully convenient such a sharp football mind left the team for greener pastures...

Spooky, right? I could go on with more evidence, but I'd like you to encourage you to do some of your own.

Alabama's rise to a juggernaut has coincided with a return to mediocrity- or worse- by other teams in the conference during Saban's tenure. The former is directly the results of his efforts. The evidence for the latter is piling up to a level it makes me believe he's simultaneously architecting the respective demises of football programs across the Southeastern United States.

Nick Saban has created a conference full of violent delights for his team. There's no indication at all violent ends await the Crimson Tide any time soon.

J. Nave

Please March With Them, Columbus

During my lifetime, besides the messianic performances of LeBron James, there's always been a mixture of ineptitude and heartbreak associated with the expectations and results of the Buckeye State's professional sports teams.

Times may be finally changing. The Cavaliers, thanks to a trio of masterpieces by The King, vanquished the Warriors in June to bring a title to Cleveland. The Indians rode Corey Kluber and Andrew Miller within striking distance of a World Series victory against the best team in baseball. The Bengals had been stringing together winning seasons until injuries decimated their chances this fall. The Browns and Reds are--- eagerly preparing for the ever promising possibilities of next year?

The oft forgotten crown jewel of under delivering on the faintest sign of promise, however, is currently turning the tide, too. With only two playoff wins to their name in fifteen seasons, the Columbus Blue Jackets have historically encountered two problems. First, rosters comprised of a fatal mix of disinterested and untalented players continually result in disappointing records and no semblance of culture. Secondly, they have long failed to register on the radar of Central Ohioans conditioned to only respond to scarlet and gray.

It's one thing to simply construct a competitive team. After many unsuccessful tries, though, this front office seems to have done it. In goal, netminder Sergei Bobrovsky is finally healthy and riding a boost in confidence from the summer to high ranks in nearly every statistical category. The blue line, usually the team's most glaring weakness, is anchored by savvy youngsters in Zach Werenski and Seth Jones who are playing with an ebullient confidence allowing all three pairings to excel. Up front, the group's stalwart captain (Nick Foligno), breakout stars (Cam Atkinson and Alexander Wennberg), Stanley Cup winner (Brandon Saad), grizzled veterans (Brandon Dubinsky and Scott Hartnell), and grit extraordinaire (Matt Calvert) are embodying a fast and physical style of play flummoxing the rest of the NHL en route to 12 straight wins. Some notable stats to illustrate the performance thus far:

Record: 23-5-4 (1st)
Power Play Conversion: 27% (1st)
Goals Differential: +45 (1st)
Goals Allowed: 64 (2nd)

Barring a rash of injuries, this flurry of dominance should only slightly falter. Any bunch that racks up 50 points before Christmas is a bonafide contender. Most fun to watch is the fact every player suits up each night with energy and passion for the franchise. The locker room is full of guys who weren't around to be the butt of hockey jokes, and that youthful ignorance should be treasured. During the tenures of past stars, this wasn't the case and the toxicity destroyed the team. As long as this refreshing attitude pervades through the rest of the season, I will be thrilled and maintain an optimistic outlook through any droughts or struggles a tough second half schedule might or might not bring. Now, as for the second and far more difficult challenge...

To understand the nuanced difficulty of battling the Goliath that is The Ohio State University's football team for coverage and caring, look no further than the franchise's marketing campaigns over its existence. Some early iterations (Gotta See It Live and Jackets Time) begged fans to come check out the sport, the arena, and the team. Others (All Out, All Season and Ignite the Night) encouraged fans to keep coming back and step up in game participation. The most clever branding covered the first two bases and paid homage to the team's Civil War namesake (Join the Battle and Carry the Flag). The team acknowledged the fact its hometown was so fixated on one sports team year round it realized it essentially had to plead for fans to give them a chance. The only problem is when you're not winning you create an extremely limited appeal. Even this season, the Jackets rank 27th in the league in attendance.

The current version, March With Us, isn't anything revolutionary. The formula was replicated once again when this branding was revealed in August 2015. Yet for the first time, the previously implicit invitation for the fans to take up arms alongside the team is now bluntly stated. This seems like a minor wrinkle at first glance, but when you look at what the Jackets aimed for when the phrase launched, a larger goal reveals itself:

"THE VERY DEFINITION OF “MARCH” IS: TO ADVANCE IN STEP IN AN ORGANIZED BODY, TO WALK IN A STATELY, DELIBERATE MANNER, TO GO FORWARD, TO ADVANCE. “MARCH WITH US” IS JUST THAT. A CALL TO ARMS FOR A TEAM, ITS FANS, ITS CITY AND STATE TO MOVE FORWARD TOGETHER - HEARTS AND MINDS IN STEP, EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE, MARCHING TOWARDS SOMETHING EXTRAORDINARY. WHETHER THOSE GOALS ARE ACHIEVED BY LITERALLY PUTTING PUCKS IN THE NET WHILE IN PURSUIT OF LORD STANLEY’S CUP, JOINING FORCES TO SUPPORT THE HEALTH AND WELLNESS OF OUR YOUTH, OR IMPROVING THE QUALITY OF LIFE FOR OUR RESIDENTS, WE WILL GO FORWARD AS ONE. BOTH ON AND OFF THE ICE, FIGHTING AND MARCHING TOGETHER."

A promise of a better tomorrow than the current today? Familiar for the sports fans in this state. An expressed desire to win a championship? The ultimate endgame in any sport. A plan to become ingrained in all aspects of the community and paint union blue across Ohio State's city? Objectively lofty and unprecedented. 

Deliberate efforts seem to slowly and surely be doing just that, though. It's being fostered through more and more partnerships with companies headquartered in the 614 to increase visibility and a social media presence unmatched and likely envied by many other franchises across sports. The team sets up their own outdoor ice rink annually in an effort to lure fans downtown. Affordable ticket deals for the thousands of students who flock to the campuses around Columbus exist for every home game. Further investment and growth in the Arena District has turned pre and post game festivities into their own destination. 

Once this legwork gets people in the arena, it's no wonder they willingly take up arms alongside the 5th Line. Hockey games are simply fun to go to, and any and all downtime during television and intermission breaks is full of energetic and often hilarious entertainment. Anybody who is familiar with the song We Like Pizza knows exactly what I'm talking about. Chatter about the experience in Nationwide Arena is always positive, even more so in the midst of such a historic run in a "we can't act like we've been here, we've never been here before" position for the team. 

While all these factors are great and meaningful, it's ultimately true winning cures all ails. This winning streak is why coverage of Ohio State's quest for a second national title in three years has virtually taken a backseat in the local media. It's why the last two home games have been sellouts. It's why posts and photos of my friends at game are pridefully showing up in abundance online. It's why an increasing number of households are tuning into each game on television. But this run will end soon enough. 

Please don't let that dampen your enthusiasm for Columbus' lone major professional sports team. Please don't let that prevent you from asking the bartender to turn on a regular season game in February. Please don't let that motivate you to unsubscribe from score alerts, unfollow the team on Twitter, or sell tickets to a game you get as a Christmas present.

Please March With Them, Columbus. The Blue Jackets finally deserve it. 

J. Nave 

Is Senior Year of College Fun?

Unintentionally and regrettably it's been almost two months since I last posted anything on this blog.

That fact may just be the perfect metaphor for the title of this post, though. 

Since the middle of October, I've been engulfed by a quarter life crisis of sorts brought on by job applications, phone interviews, and "business trips" all in the idea of setting in motion the next chapter of my life. I'm gracious for all these opportunities afforded to me by my school, and it's been an honor being able to join the elite fraternity of businessmen and businesswomen who confidently purchase and consume an overpriced alcoholic beverage (or two) in airports before noon.

But this quest has come with the opportunity cost of losing valuable and precious time as a college student. Maybe the loss was just a Thursday night's plans. It could have been an intramural playoff game where your lack of presence on the court actually spurred a winning performance from your team the next week. It almost always consisted of missing a finance lecture which should have- but not always necessarily did- required missing out on another day's adventure in an attempt to understand interest rates. I understand the necessity of this cycle in the circle of life, but it's hard to not let this FOMO additionally morph into:

1) Agonizing about every moment you said no to an opportunity during the previous three years 

2) Pleading for a chance to go back to the laissez fair attitude you should have employed more as an underclassman. 

Again, this isn't to say doing these interviews has been a waste of my time. One offered me the chance to reconnect with a friend from high school. Another the ability to explore the live music scene on Broadway in Nashville. I'll get to see the redwoods in the Pacific Northwest for the first time here next week. I eagerly await to hear back about my application to be the Offensive Coordinator for a Big Ten football program. Simply getting an invitation to do an interview validates every ounce of work put in over my college career as worthwhile. However, when juxtaposed with the college search of only a few years prior, it's hard to feel quite as romantic about the whole ordeal. 

Why? That feeling you hear all about of just knowing you found your home when you step on campus gets a little harder to identify when monotonous columns of fluorescent lights and identical rows of cubicles are independent variables from site to site. Hearing about your 401K and health insurance benefits pales in comparison to discovering the partnerships for study abroad trips different universities have across the globe. Having to reassure your friends you've made over your time in college their own quests will have a happy ending if they are off to a slower start is much more difficult this time around when they start expressing fears of being lapped by their peers. The one constant is every person you come into contact with on your "visits" will tell you how much they love it there which ends up being of little to no assistance at the end of the day. You get bogged down. You fall into a rut. 

Getting back to the titular question, the case I've laid about against senior year being fun indicates the answer is an overwhelming no, right? There have definitely been some moments where I would wholeheartedly be in agreement. Yet in the grand scheme of things, I think that answer is a total cop out. 

In this odd, transitional semester, I've tried to register and appreciate all the small things that make the college experience what it is more intentionally. That's why I thought a blog post about this was long overdue and an ideal manifestation of this thought process. Football games, the opportunity to meet astounding new people every day, cheap pizzas and beer pitchers, free t-shirts, and a whole host of other benefits aren't being take for granted or forgotten, because only when their days are numbered, will you begin to realize how much you'll miss them when they're gone. I've tried to remind myself to not dread a walk across campus, even in the rain, because it will be much easier evading puddles than car payments come next year. I've tried to get involved with things I failed to take advantage of earlier and diversify my time to reinvest in the people and things that have given me the most. Having a mindset to diligently replace every moan, gripe, and complaint with conversation, fun, and spontaneity has made this year a blast so far.

Senior year has taken on its own distinct identity, and perhaps that's why for brief lapses it's foreign nature bred some xenophobia and dread. But what year of college (or life in general) doesn't take on a life of its own? Don't let the bulls of the real world run you over because they are inevitably breathing down your neck- whether you pay attention to them or not. Run with them and enjoy the journey more than stressing about the destination. It's a lot more fun that way.

Plus, it's probably the only way to deal with the crippling nostalgia...

J. Nave

An Investigation: Could The Newsroom Have Saved the 2016 Election?

Remember that video you probably saw shared on Facebook where some impassioned guy explains his thesis of why America isn't the greatest country in the world?

Those few minutes are the opening scene of the HBO series, The Newsroom. I would imagine half of you reading this are aware of this fact, but I would wager an exceptionally smaller percentage of you have watched the show. I joined the man delivering that monologue, Will McAvoy (played by Jeff Daniels), on his self-proclaimed mission to civilize this summer and knocked out all three seasons in two weeks. 

However, the point of this isn't to make a case for why you should watch the show. The point of this isn't to endorse a candidate, either. As I previously explained, #ImWithLin. Also, I'm not Tomi Lahren so obviously nobody would care about my opinion anyways. 

Rather, I want to draw attention to another critical scene, especially in light of the presidential election that has consumed every fiber of our society. Before proceeding, spend three minutes watching McAvoy lay out a primary debate proposal for ACN, his employer and a fictional news syndicate. The show's revisionist history format aired this episode after the unfolding of the 2012 Republican nomination process. This same formula of talking about previous and real events was used for much of the show's material and subsequent commentary.

Now, before I go any further, I realize the irony of suggesting a fictional television show could have saved the Republican Party from a reality television star, let alone the practicality of this sort of event being implemented. Neither political party would be thrilled about having their candidates essentially taking the stand with no defense counsel, and network executives would be concerned about potential backlash and protests from hardcore allegiances.

I also realize Donald Trump ended up winning the Republican nomination by a resounding margin. The Trump Train annihilated every politician in its path. While a definitely rabid group of conservatives flocked to the real estate mogul, many others begrudgingly waved the white flag and hopped on board for the sake of party unity or were terrified at the nomination of the literal antithesis to what Republicans identified as necessary characteristics to stand a chance at winning a general election following Mitt Romney's defeat in 2012. In those primaries, Trump's support ranged from about 35-40%. Due to one soundbite after another, support seemed to stagnate at that figure indicating little to no chance for Republicans to take back the White House. 

But imagine for a moment if instead of allowing discussions about anatomy and conspiracy theories to take up precious time during the primary debates, a disciplined moderator forced Donald Trump and the other dozen plus GOP candidates to obey his or her rules and answer the questions to produce a much needed vetting process. Ridiculous, unsubstantiated claims would have been thrown out, not praised. Coming up with nicknames for opponents would be labeled as sophomoric and desperate, not a groundbreaking way of calling it as it is. Attempts to attack the debate hosts and hijack the agenda would have been quelled, not encouraged for entertainment purposes. 

Sure, the veteran television character in Trump might have still been successful in turning the debates into spin offs of The Apprentice, but I'm sure now many conservatives wish a fight had been put up to preserve some dignity. Now it looks like the Republicans handed Hillary Clinton the Oval Office on a silver platter.

The possible effects had the Republicans embraced this philosophy? Maybe the third presidential debate this week would have time dedicated to the ramifications of insurers leaving the marketplace for Obamacare instead of who is "most fit" to be president. Maybe there would be a question about the candidate's plans to build on the joint operation in Mossul instead of determining whether a growing number of claims of sexual harassment are true. Maybe after the preceding town hall, we would have woken up the next morning inspired by a candidate's policy proposal and succinct plan to actually Make America Great Again instead of being obsessed with some guy named Ken Bone and instinctively purchase a red sweater.

Most importantly, maybe this upcoming debate would serve as an opportunity for a stellar performance by a Republican candidate that comes to foreshadow a victory against an unpopular, scandal riddled Democratic candidate. Instead, there's seemingly nothing in the immediate future of the GOP besides an opportunity for a final nail in the coffin for an even more unpopular, scandal riddled Republican candidate against the opposition.

In an election with massive implications for the economy, Supreme Court, and wall enthusiasts, shouldn't winning said election be the main, if not the only, goal in mind for a political party when presenting options for its nominee? It appears Republicans somehow arrived at a severe and fatal miscalculation that equaled nothing but fodder for John Oliver and Seth Meyers. If only some leaders within the GOP decided to watch The Newsroom instead of making several trips to Westeros things could have been different...

J. Nave

25 Observations From the First Month of College Football

Due to various commitments of my senior year of college, my posting output this season has been a tailor-maid metaphor for the offensive production of the South Carolina football team. This is personally unacceptable. My job search must start to take second fiddle to this blog. The establishments in Five Points must survive without frivolous donations from my checking account. My professors will need to start excusing my absences in support of my pursuit of the literary arts and creative expression far too lacking in our world today.

However, this hiatus severely diminished my craft when I started the brainstorming process for this post. Coming up with a quality topic to analyze, writing the occasional joke or two, and throwing a motivational call to action on top was a hat trick I'm not ready to complete yet. Thus, I made a decision to regress back to the minor leagues with my writing. 

How does one do this? By stylizing and formatting in a way that is always prominently featured on Buzzfeed. This goes against every fiber of my being and is a direct violation of my morals and ethics, but I made a stipulation to not include any GIFs which will hopefully allow me to live with myself after publishing this. 

Without adding any more content to my introduction that isn't clickbait, you won't believe the 25 observations I've observed during the first month of the college football season that I've observed!!!

1. Lamar Jackson is the best athlete to ever play collegiate football.

2. Saying Lamar Jackson is the best athlete to every play collegiate football is maybe a hot take, but then again maybe it's not? That is powerful evidence for his case. There are people who adamantly believe our world is flat. Go poke holes in their logic rather than mine. The Louisville quarterback, should his production continue at this similarly alarming rate only rivaled by the disappearance of bees, will win the Heisman this year. Probably next year, too. And then either the Super Bowl or a third Heisman the year after that. This is Lamar Jackson's world, and we're all just living in it. 

3. Louisville deserved to lose to Clemson. Bobby Petrino did an interview in a neck brace when he was the coach at the University of Arkansas following a motorcycle accident that subsequently exposed an affair he was having with an athletic department intern. IT'S ALSO THE FIRST PICTURE THAT COMES UP WHEN YOU GOOGLE HIS NAME! Then six of the next seven are also him in the aforementioned neck brace. His team should never win a national title as a result of this horrible chain of past transgressions. 

4. Alabama's still really good? Never mind, that doesn't count. We all knew that already. 

4. Alabama beat USC 52-6 in the opening week of the season even after scoring zero points in the first quarter. This is further evidence Nick Saban coaches college football solely for the joy he harvests from the crushed hopes and dreams of children and puppies. Since then, Alabama got sweet, seersucker revenge on Ole Miss and seems primed to beat the perceived cream of the crop in the SEC on their way to another trip to Atlanta. 

5. Tennessee played a football game at a NASCAR track, and somehow that has ended up being the least exciting game of their season to date. It's a bold strategy to rely on divine intervention to beat Appalachian State and a really bad Georgia team, but they're 5-0 so more power to them. 

6. Actually, no power to them. Tennessee's head coach Butch Jones literally went over and initiated himself into the Appalachian State post game huddle and congratulated the Mountaineers after they lost to Jones' team in overtime. If you coach in the SEC, you should know your place. Jones obviously doesn't know his. Hopefully Texas A&M will beat the hell out of Tennessee this week. 

7. Ohio State and Michigan appear to be on a collision course to play a game in late November that may shift the balance of power in this country more than the upcoming presidential election. On the opposite end of the spectrum, even if both teams would somehow manage to lose the rest of their games before then, it will still provide more entertainment and passion than the recent Mike Pence-Tim Kaine debate. 

8. Speaking of Ohio State, I recently learned Curtis Samuel is on pace to be the first player in FBS history with both 1,000 yards receiving and rushing in the same season . If Lamar Jackson decided to return to Krypton in the next couple weeks, the lovechild of Reggie Bush and Percy Harvin should receive far more mentions in the Heisman conversation.

9. I picked Notre Dame to make the College Football Playoff back in August. Looking back on that terrible decision, I've come to realize that may be worst prediction in the history of this blog. That is really saying something. I picked Creighton to make the Final Four in 2014 for God's sake.

10. Picking Notre Dame to make the Playoff was really a dumb manifestation of a pipe dream of mine to hopefully expand the postseason to include more than four teams by like next season. Jesus, even in touchdown form, doesn't appear to support the Irish fulfilling this dream. Luckily, Jesus does appear to have some sort of allegiance to upholding the integrity of college football fan because he gave us Tom Herman and the Houston Cougars in their stead.

11. Houston is undefeated. Houston is bordering on elite on both sides of the ball. Houston gets to play Louisville in November. Should Greg Ward Jr. and Houston pull off that victory, I'm saying there's a serious chance of a Group of Five school making the Playoff this year. My pipe dream lives on. 

12. Don't let this blog post distract you from the fact the Golden State Warriors and unanimous MVP blew a 3-1 lead in the NBA Finals to the Cleveland Cavaliers. They'll quest to replicate this feat with Kevin Durant will begin in only a matter of days.

13. The annual autumnal gift of Seattle, Washington is the Pumpkin Spice Latte. However, the city's college football team might be another pleasant offering this year. They pummeled Stanford last week, which was not only a program defining win, but also crucial fodder for Microsoft employees to use on discussion boards to attack their colleagues at Apple, Facebook, and Google down in Silicon Valley and feel a little bit better about their place in the cutthroat world that is the tech community. 

14. I highly doubt that scenario played out, but a huge part of me really hopes it did. 

15. September started with everybody anointing Texas and Charlie Strong for revolutionizing the two quarterback system in a perceived huge win against Notre Dame. Now, Charlie Strong might get fired should he lose to archrival Oklahoma on Saturday. It took less time for him to fall out of favor, move back into favor, and then slide back out of favor once more than Jaime Lannister. Or like any other character on Game of Thrones, really.

16. Les Miles won 77% of his games at LSU and that still wasn't enough for him to save his job. Can you imagine being that successful at your job and getting canned? College football is ruthless.

17. The administrators at LSU need to send a thank you letter to the Cincinnati Zoo for acting more ruthlessly in the past few months. Harambe won 99.9% of events in his life, and it wasn't enough for him to save his life... 

18. No more trite jokes. I promise. 

19. North Dakota State is receiving a lot of votes in the Associated Press poll. The funny thing is North Dakota State doesn't even play in the correct division of college football for them to be receiving votes. There are almost 100 teams in the FBS who are believed to be worse than the Bison. Let that sink in for a second.

20. Did it sink in? If so, I hope you realize why I think the Big Ten or Big 12 should seriously inquire about adding the Bison. Fargo is lovely this time of year. It's an underrated media market. High School Football in the state is on the rise. It's one state away from Mount Rushmore. They have a superb college hockey team. Recent Bison legend Carson Wentz is obviously on track to break every passing record in the NFL and win seven Super Bowls. It's a win-win, but with way more wins for all parties involved. Kick Purdue/Kansas out, bring in North Dakota State, and watch your conference's reputation eclipse the SEC overnight. 

21. This month, we'll get a clearer picture of who the true contenders are in the more open college football divisions, like the Big Ten West and ACC Coastal. Most importantly, though, we'll get to find out #WhoIsTheAccountant when Ben Affleck's new movie comes out. My guess? Batman. The accountant is Batman. 

22. This clown trend plaguing our country is bizarre, but it pales in comparison to the absurdity of this trend where players are dropping the ball just shy of the end zone and costing their teams a touchdown. Should a player at the wrong program do this in a crucial moment, we might see a mob chase that athlete with the same ferocity displayed by the group at Penn State trying to hunt down a clown spotted on their campus.

23. If there was a game played last Saturday night, but "Closer" wasn't played at a tailgate you attended earlier in the afternoon, did the game actually happen?

24. Miami and Nebraska are both undefeated. The college football historian in me is excited about those programs potentially recapturing their past glories. The college football fan of the 2010s in me is excited about watching those programs inevitably crash and burn perhaps as early as this weekend. 

25. Alabama, Ohio State, Clemson, and *fingers crossed/knock on wood* Houston will be the four participants in this season's College Football Playoff. It's what our country wants. It's what our country needs. You want actual thanks, Obama? Make this happen.

J. Nave

College Football Playoff Prediction 2K16

It's officially the start of another college football season, so naturally I'm constantly in one of those moods where hearing a famous Brent Musburger or Verne Lundquist call has me ready to punch several dozen holes in the closest wall. I'm aware California played Hawaii already, but I refuse to recognize college football officially until I'm a day or two away of parking myself on my couch for 15 hours on a Saturday and watching the world's best octogenarian, Lee Corso, put on a mascot head.

I'll be honest with you, though, part of me is dreading the arrival of this season. Knowing this will be the final slate of games I watch as an undergraduate just sucks. I remember the first South Carolina game I went to as a freshman like yesterday; a 65 yard touchdown pass on the third play of the game definitely doesn't hurt keeping it in recall. A silver lining to my sadness is all the crazy happenings that have happened in the past three years across college football will continue for each fall for the rest of my life. But I'd be flat out lying if I won't feel a little extra nostalgia whenever I see one of Auburn's unimaginable victories during 2013, any Ohio State highlight during their unexpected and unprecedented 2014 championship run, or Michigan managing to lose by being unable to execute a punt in 2015.

As an amateur blogger, however, I have a duty to fight off my sentiments and do my job: Incorrectly predict the four teams that will make the College Football Playoff. This was a difficult task this year. On one hand, the star power across the country this year rivals any year in recent memory and should lead to a compelling Heisman race. On the other hand, many of the top teams in the preseason polls have troubling uncertainties that desperately need solutions. There were several contenders for the four spots, so I'll start out with the teams who got serious consideration, but narrowly missed the cut.

South Carolina
1. Do you believe in miracles?
2. Is it too soon to start a #FireMuschamp campaign?

Stanford
Christian McCaffrey should have won the Heisman last year. I'm rooting for him to carry the Cardinal to the playoffs all by his lonesome, but it's going to be a challenge in a cannibalistic Pac 12.

Oklahoma
The Sooners open up with Houston and Ohio State in September, and the Big 12 is going to offer much more staunch competition this fall. Unless Bob Stoops can fight off the plaguing force in sports that is complacency and his own past demons of faltering with a highly ranked team in the preseason, I envision Oklahoma taking a step back.

Tennessee
I read this article over the summer about Zac Efron. Essentially its thesis was despite all signs pointing towards him being an inevitable movie star, Efron is unable to get himself in a role that doesn't remind viewers of  East High school sensation Troy Bolton. Naturally the first thing that came to my mind after reading the piece was the Tennessee Volunteer football program, and their struggles to escape the mediocrity that has plagued them during the past decade.

The past few offseasons have all featured headlines about a return to the ~rocky~ top of the SEC East. However, nothing has come to fruition yet. Butch Jones has a talented team, but he's still Butch Jones. Tennessee is bound to lose a game to a team they shouldn't, leading to an inevitable crash and burn even aerospace engineer/quarterback Josh Dobbs won't be able to prevent.

LSU
Leonard Fournette, unstoppable force and immovable object two-in-one, is enough to make the Tigers a compelling team. Add in the human interest story and motivation to play for the victims of the devastating flooding in Baton Rouge, and you've got a team that's hard to root against.

But until Nick Saban's grass eating replacement beats the actual Nick Saban, LSU won't make the playoffs. I'll give Les Miles credit, though. It's hard to win the SEC when your quarterback play resembles hybrid qualities of both a train wreck and a dumpster fire.

Washington
Sports Illustrated ranked the Huskies ahead of Houston and Ohio State at #6 in their preseason poll, which is undoubtedly the only reason I'm including Washington in my fringe teams. Sports Illustrated used to be a great magazine. Pathetic circulation now. Even worse reporting. Sad!

Michigan
The adage defense wins championships is going to be tested by the Wolverines. A lot, I mean A LOT, of people are pegging Jim Harbaugh's bunch as a playoff team. I think we're still a year away from a Michigan-Ohio State game with championship implications, Meyer and Harbaugh throwing punches at each other at midfield, and a clashing between both fan bases that might create enough energy to replicate the Big Bang.

Now, without any further ado, to the teams who will make the playoff .

1. Clemson
Last year, I previewed the college football season by noting the similarities between some of the top ranked teams and a presidential candidate. My predictions about the staying power of the Tigers and Donald Trump were both wildly wrong. Deshaun Watson's heroics were nearly enough to topple Alabama, and with his entire arsenal of weapons back, it's not hard to imagine Clemson challenging the record for most points scored in a single season.

A tricky test this Saturday down on The Plains and a trip to Tallahassee would appear to be their only potential defeats in the regular season. Dabo Swinney seems to be knocking on the door of the echelon of elite coaches, and should he get into the playoff again, it would be hard to deny him entry.

2. Alabama
They've never not made the College Football Playoff. Until Nick Saban isn't their coach, until the Crimson Tide don't bring in the #1 recruiting class, and until any other SEC team rises up and decides they don't want to hang on to the school's coattails for carrying the reputation of the conference, I won't pick against Alabama.

They'll plug in a new quarterback, lose one game (likely on the road because of a highly irregular deficit in turnover margin or fluke play), and embarrass some team from the SEC East in the championship game. The narrative is getting boring, but it will continue like clockwork down in Tuscaloosa for the immediate future.

3. Notre Dame
The playoff desperately needs to be expanded to eight teams. This year, when Notre Dame earns a spot, the process will hopefully be catalyzed.

With the Irish's schedule this year, an 11-1 record will likely earn them a spot. Home games against Stanford and Michigan State and road contests against Texas and USC are enough to build a strong resume. Whether Brian Kelly plugs in Malik Zaire or Deshone Kizer at quarterback, the offense will be in the hands of one of the more experienced quarterbacks in the country.

Notre Dame lost a lot of talent from last season, but enough remains for the Irish to sneak in the playoff of what I'm anticipating to be a wide open season (When Notre Dame inevitable loses to Texas in the season opener because of this selection, I'm going to feel way more nervous about their chances. This just feels like a year for Notre Dame to excel in before getting walloped by a far superior team).

4. Ohio State
The final spot comes up with three potential conference champions not represented. I'm going to side with the coach who is 50-4 the past four seasons for who to hang my reputation on.

It should be clear by know Urban Meyer knows what he's doing. He's brought in a stable of talented players who will step in to help out its unquestioned leaders with annually strong recruiting classes since his arrival in Columbus. This is JT Barrett's team on offense. This is Raekwon McMillan's team on defense.

I know Ohio State only brings back six starters. They had ten of the first ninety four players selected in the NFL Draft. But if this was Alabama and Nick Saban, would there be nearly as much talk or concern? I don't think so, and I'm not sure why. I also believe that pisses Meyer off to no end. Although he would never explicitly express his feelings on the matter, no other coach has been able to best Saban when it matters most.

Michigan has to come to the Horseshoe. Ohio State has to go to Norman, East Lansing, Madison, and Happy Valley. Contrary to past beliefs about the Big Ten, that's a schedule very few teams can compete with. With that, I wouldn't be surprised if Ohio State struggles and fails to get to ten wins. With Meyer at the helm, though, I see a very small chance of that happening.

J. Nave